It's A New Year

 

So it's 2012 and I'm sure everyone knows that already, even I know it but I don't feel it. You're supposed to be happy and excited for the new year but I couldn't feel the happiness. To me tonight signaled another year of me being stuck in the same body and in the same spot.

I know that I haven't blogged in so many months but I just thought I'd let you all know what's going on. Right now I am dealing with clinically diagnosed severe depression and am on medication to reduce my depression and anxiety. Some of you may say that depression isn't real and that I just have to "snap out of it" but that's not the case. I have tried. For me I feel a constant weight on my chest. It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and that I can't breath. Until this semester I didn't know what it meant to have your heart ache but I feel that often now. It really does feel like your heart is so sad that it just aches. It's not plesant.

Right now I'm just trying to overcome my depression and still eat better and lose weight. I don't want to be sitting in my bed 366 days from now eating or wishing I was skinnier. I want to be out at a party or anywhere, just not inside my house, having a fun time with a date. I have never been asked out once! I want this so bad.

So, I want to share my list of resolutions for 2012 with you:

1. Lose 10lbs by the end of January
2. Do at least one selfless deed a week
3. Floss everyday
4. Lose more than 50lbs this year
5. Get a good job
6. Cut back on fast food to once or twice a month
7. Save more than $500 by New Years Day 2013
8. Remind myself that even though life feels impossible right now I can make it
9. Go on at least one date this year
10. Make one friend that's a real friend

I have so much going on in my head and my life right now that I just need to get out and I hope this is my year to do so.

Wish me Luck!

Back Home Finally

I'm so glad to finally be back home and eating slightly better. Although so far I haven't had the best quality of food I've been eating less which I consider a positive myself.
Anyways, so I got the new Hp TouchPad today which is better than the iPad apparently and also $100 cheaper. So far I like it the only minuses are no netflix an no iTunes store but I'll see how it goes. If it doesn't go over all that well I'll just return this before going off to school and instead getting the iPad which was my original choice.

In regards to previous comments:

Isobel I'm sorry if you think that I'm "wishing for an eating disorder." I'm not and technically I already have the eating disorder of binge eating. And since you're not as large as I am I doubt that you know exactly how I feel. That's not to say that you don't feel like you want to lose weight or that you feel fat but I literally am fat. For the past few years I have felt more and more depressed and suicidal to the point where some days I can barely function. Perhaps this is true for you too in which case I support you. But I just wanted to let you know that I don't sit in my room at night praying to become anorexic.

Sophia, to be honest snacking really is not a problem for me. I really never do it unlesss I am in the middle of sports activity when I need to refuel. Also I know that is probably how I should feel about the guy but I literally can't let it go. I've been in love with him since kindergarten so you can't really just ditch something like that.

xxxx

No Thinspo Tonight

Yep. Definetly too Fat.

So I weighed in today which was most definitely a bad idea. 

243.2lbs.

 I have never weighted this much before and I hate it. I've turned into a gluttonous person.

I don't want to be this person.

Actual food intake today was not so bad.

But snacks and desserts added on top makes it much worse.

At least I'll be home Saturday night.

I just want to get away from bad foods that make me feel horrible,

(both mentally and physically)

I just want to let everyone know that we're all in the same boat.

We all feel the same way about food.

And we all want to be thin so we can stop feeling this way.

...so we can be thinner...

I want to be thin so bad.

I'm too afraid to go back to diving next year,

something I love something that makes me look gross due to swimsuits and being fat

I don't want to be anywhere near my friends or do anything that will make me remotely happy

I want to go back to hating myself

At least then I knew what I wanted and how to get it.

All I do is worry about what people will think.

When they look at me all I see is them staring at me wondering...

"Why is she so fat?"

"It's people like her who shouldn't be allowed to eat."

"Why is she eating a salad? Fat people don't like healthy foods."

And they're right. I am FAT. I shouldn't be allowed to eat or drive my car. I should only be allowed to starve and I should be required to only walk places until I am just bones.

Sorry this is so long and the rest of this post will just be my internal problems so feel free to skip it if you want.

I want this guy. I've known him since I was less than a year old and ever since them I've had a crush on him. So what's the problem? We hang out sometimes and always fool around but I actually want him. Of course there's no way he wants me. Who wants the fat girl hanging onto them at parties and having to feed your fat girlfriend? No guy does.

Then I had this great dream last night.

I was so thin.

My thighs were nonexistent and my arms were tiny.

My stomach was streched tight against my hip bones and my hair was perfect.

There wasn't an ounce of fat anywhere on my body.

And for once. I was happy.

I was beautiful.

And he wanted me.

This is all I want and he can't know.

He can't know that every calorie counted is a step back away from him.

And that I would starve myself to get him.

To be beautiful.

I would puke up my guts so that the girl in the mirror became beautiful.

So that she had friends and a boyfriend and so that everyone wanted to be her.

That's what thin gets you.

Stay strong lovelies as I struggle toward what I want,

xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous.

I Feel Like I Have to be Honest with Myself

Have I weighed myself in the last week? No. Do I feel crappy about that? Yes.

I've just gotten to the point where I feel stuck. Too fat. I hate myself right now. Nothing fits and my thighs are huge. My stomach is gross.

I've been watching a lot of Supersize v. Superskinny and all I can conclude is that really soon I'm going to be the supersizer. I would hate myself for this.

On a better note. My summer program is almost done which means I'll be home for two weeks (which could be a disaster) but afterwards I'm back at school. I realize how much I've missed my dining hall with the foods that I know the calorie content of and can choose what I want to eat and when. Literally this summer has consisted of 7 weeks of Panda Express and Chick-fil-a. Foods I love but foods that should only be eaten once every 6 months.

I can't wait until greek yogurts and salads and low calories. I can have them now but I don't know how to anymore. I need to be in my safe spot with my normal foods.

I know this doesn't tell you anything about anything I'm doing now that's inspirational but check back in a few weeks and I'll be back on track. I know it's long term but I'd really like to lose 100lbs by next summer. I feel like if I dedicate myself though I can lose more than that.

I hope everyone else is staying skinny for the summer. =)

xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Realizations

As I explored an amusement park with my friends today I was constantly in fear, on the verge of tears, and ready to run from the park at any point? Why? The reason we're all here, weight. All my friends would slide into the rides perfectly happy but at every different ride I would be terrified that the bar wouldn't fit down over my thighs or that my stomach couldn't be sucked in any farther to make the restraints fit. At one point it just wouldn't fit and I was ready to just cry in front of everyone but I moved. sucked in, and readjusted until the bar just barely clicked into the first notch.

Food is great but is it worth the terror I feel as the result of this "wonderful" food? I want to walk places and go on bike trips and have fun playing sports. Everything I've loved from a young age but can't truly enjoy anymore.

I'm just too fat now.
I need my scale desperately to see how screwed I am. I just eat mindlessly because it's what I can do. I need to stop. Now.

This is not a promise post. I don't promise to be the best role model because I know I haven't so far. But it is to kick myself into realizing how screwed up I am right now and right now I need this. I'm making a list of appropriate breakfast, lunch, and dinners that will hopefully help.

I'm reading all my old blogs to see where my strength comes from and where my weakness kills me. 

xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Up a Creek and I Definetly Can't Find the Paddle

You know when you look around and everyone gets it? They get what they want and how to get it and they work towards it. They're just taking what you want away from you faster than you can try to find it.
That's what's going on with me now.

I want to be thin, skinny, tiny, [insert any synonym here]

All of you are getting this. You're fasting, restricting, running, working out. I can't. I feel so trapped. The more I worry about my weight and want to lose weight the more I put weight on. Isn't that backwards? I'm rarely ever hungry and yet I still fill myself. Isn't that stupid?

I don't need criticism right now. It would just make this all worse and I'd probably add another 10lbs to my already growing weight thinking about the comment.

I already hate myself. I'm not as fun as usual and I definetly don't participate in activities I used to do. I just hate that I can't be me anymore, regardless of how much I weigh I should be able to to be me. I know losing weight is the only way to do that. I wish I knew someone my age who also wanted to lose weight who lived near me and who could keep constant tabs on me. All it takes is that one look from a friend at my plate to make my stomach turn and make me push away the plate. No one will give me that look! They're too polite!

Someone please kick me butt in the right direction!

Sorry to be such a downer. I just wish I was more like the girls I see everywhere. They say x amount of Americans are obese but I hardly ever see them. All the people around me are all tiny or within a healthy weight range. I want to be unhealthy and in the underweight category instead of the large and in charge section.

This is my resolve though. I will do it. I would be extremely excited if I could lose 10-20lbs by the end of the summer (even though that wouldn't even get me back to where I was at Christmas it would be a start).

xxxx.

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Home Finally

So just to catch everyone up because I've been gone for so long. My friend ended up living with me until the end of school, Thursday. Then I flew home on Friday and I have been unproductive since then...hehe. Guess that's what happens when you're home after finals.

So far I've fucked up on eating healthy since being home but I'm starting tomorrow. I'm hoping to aim for 800 or less calories while I'm home. I just need to find stuff that I can do at home to keep myself busy and out of the house. When I stay at home I snack which is not allowed.

I hate being home so much sometimes and then other times it's all I want.

This is the conclusion I came to a few weeks ago. My grandmother/adoptive mother doesn't notice me ever since my aunt came into the picture (long story that I won't tell now). My aunt is the overachiever and most well hired person in our family. She gets the smart and well-off card. Then my birthmother gets the recovered from being an alcoholic and drug addict card. I get nothing. So, I decided I wanted the thin card. No one in my family would be as thin as me. Then, the other morning I'm laying in bed listening to my grandmother/mother tell my godmother all about how my aunt has lost so much weight and how she looks so good now. I don't know what to do. She's taking the one thing I can conceptually have for herself. I want her gone.

I want to be the thinnest. I need to be. So I will restrict.

So that's where I am. I haven't weighed myself in forever either so I know I will be over 230 which will just be devestating. I hate my need to binge and snack. I need to stop it before it's too late.

I know I am super behind on blogs but I'll read them all and catch up. I'll read all your posts but probably only comment overall on your newest posts!

Stay strong and lovely!!!
xx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous