Bad Day

Day 14

I think in my mind since I have stopped fasting I can do whatever. However, this is not true. There are still rules and I just don't get that. So today was bad again. I ate my PBJ (skipped breakfast), had 1 Amy's black bean enchilada meal, and then proceeded to eat fries and ice cream. So I'm guessing I came in at about 905 calories. Damn!

So I'm being proactive and I'm taking charge of my body to show myself that I need to take control. So starting at 6:00 tonight and going until 6:00tomorrow I am doing a 24 hour fast. Then I will eat a PBJ in order to give myself energy for my final. Then I will fast again for 24 - 26 hours and then have dinner with my birthmother. I still have a shot, a very slim one, but still a shot at being 207 or better yet 205 by Friday morning. I noticed this morning that I could put my size 19 jeans on without unbuttoning them. Why is that not enough inspiration for me?!

Well, here's your thinspo. Also, I was feeling inspired today and thought I would post one of my favorite poems. It sums up my life especially when I feel beat down after I binge!

Thinspo for the Day

Still I Rise

 

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Maya Angelou 

 

Stay Strong Lovelies!

Yes Yes Yes!

Day 13

Guess How much I am today?! Guess! Guess! Guess!

206.0

If you can't tell I'm in a really good mood about this. I did a what was supposed to be a 24-36hour fast and all I broke down and had was a popsicle at the 25hour mark. (But I already told you that last night). I didn't know what was going to happen, I thought I'd at least lose a little but not 1.6lbs! That's so great! I added it to my official weigh in log and noticed that I lost exactly 6lbs in 1 week. Wow! If I could keep that up until next week (except I'll be home) then I would be below 200 by the end of this year.

That's still my goal though. To make it below 200 by the 1st of this year. Get a new lowest weight and a new year all wrapped into one! Wish me luck!

So today, tuesday, and wednesday are going to be between 500 and 800 so that I have enough energy to do my finals and so I can get rid of my frozen foods. Here's my plan for today:

Breakfast:
1 Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120

Lunch:
1 PBJ (on Sara Lee's 45calorie bread) - 252

Dinner:
1 Lean Cuisine Cheese Ravioli Meal - 220

Total - 592
Gah! That number seems high! But I can't freak out about it.

Thinspo for the Day

Alrighty. Stay Lovely Lovelies!
xxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I am depressed. It's like as soon as I make progress, significant progress this time I screw it up. In case you can't guess. I binged. And not as bad as sometimes but still like a fucking crazy person! I ate fries, a slice of pizza, and the crunch edges of my friend's cookie (at least I didn't eat the whole thing).

I went in to today with the most positive outlook. I ate the yogurt, the sandwich, and the ravioli as I told myself I couldn't fast for another 24hours. Like I've said before my will bends at night and even more when I'm at work. Then I give in and I try to make my giving in better and ust have fries but then I just keep going back and then eating other people's scraps

As I'm sitting here I can just feel the food sitting in me. I have to swallow it down each time I swallow. (Sorry if TMI) I just wanna purge it and get it out but people would know.

Well after this wonderful 1.6lbs loss, I'm proably going to have a nice 2lb gain tomorrow.
Damn! Oh well, I deserve it!

Hope everyone else did better than me!

Someone Must Love Me

Day 12

I am convinced that there's gotta be some magical power helping me along. Today I was...

207.6

I didn't gain, I didn't lose. I wouldn't even say I plateaued. For some reason my huge binge didn't make me gain. THANK YOU! I was preparing myself for about a 1-2lbs gain. Guess not.

On a different note. Finals start tomorrow and I have one everyday until I go home friday morning. ick. So I need to log myself off Blogger, not comment on your blogs, and not search for Thinspo for the next 8-9 hours at least. I can do it! Lol. It's like trying to make myself not go on facebook. It rarely works =).

I can't tell you what the plan is today, I need to eat more frozen food this week before xmas break because I have to defrost my refrigerator. oops. I may start offering food to people. It'll help me not binge in the long run I'm sure.

How is everyone else? Any horror stories for the day? Also, has anyone seen Black Swan or For Colored Girls because I want to and I want a synopsis. I've seen most of For Colored Girls but the bootleg (lol) copy cut off the end. I also want to know how scary Black Swan is and what the actually scary part is.

Anyways, logging off now! Ciao Lovlies!

Thinspo for the Day

 ~~UPDATE~~

So I completed another 24 hour fast but only lost .6lbs this time. >=//

Maybe by tomorrow morning it'll go down more. Right now I am having a Dreyer's Strawberry Fruit Bar and that is it for my intake for the day.  I am 207.0 But I'll wait until tomorrow morning to officially give you all my current weight. That is all for the night!

Hope everyone did well today and does better tomorrow!!!
xxxx

Good Loss = Bad Reward

Day 12

Fuck me. *sorry for the language*

The good news is I woke up and I weighed 207.6 - Just 0.6lbs from my goal for next Friday. I planned out my meal for the day and planned to stick to it.

However, I then went to study in the only good study area on campus, the Cooler - the same place I work. I thought I reasonable to have a BLT instead of my frozen meal for dinner tonight. Which, in retrospect was a good idea. Nevertheless, the BLT turned into a BLT + a slice of chocolate mousse tart (I don't even know the calories) + 1 small scoop of nutella ice cream. Damn!

Now I am looking at 23 hours more of a 24 hour fast that I plan to do until tomorrow at 3. Then, I will eat dinner tomorrow night, most likely a frozen meal.

Things that today has taught me:
- I really cannot go anywhere near the Cooler unless required to
- I must stay in my room studying or sleeping in order to avoid food
- I will be home in 1 week where I can do whatever I want without being in places where they cook burgers, BLTs, and Grilled Cheeses whenever you want them

notquiteana says that If I don't screw up (Whoops. Cause I did just that already today) I could be staring down at the 100s by the end of this year! God I hope so! That would be truly amazing.

Well, wish me luck and I hope that I can stay strong through the next 23 hours.

Thinspo for the Day

Keep the Power, Will Power that is Lovlies,

xxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I can't tell you what I've eaten today. It would be too depressing. I can't. I know tomorrow I will be 210 or more. Hopefully not but most likely.

I HATE MYSELF

I know that fat is not cute and that thin is all I desire but why can't I make my actions show this? I'm fucking up my life and I can't stop. I even screwed up my 24 hour fast. I think I'll just give up on it.

FML. Ana just needs to support me. I need to feel her reach over and pull me back up when I stumble, trip, and fall and I need her to grab me before I go overboard.

Let's hope the scale has a little bit of compassion tomorrow.
xxxxxx

Help!

Still Day 11

Someone Help! I have a question. If I haven't eaten since 6:15 last night does that make these 25 1/2 hours a fast? Also, If I just checked the scale and now it says 208.8 is that real? Is it lying to me? Usually it doesn't but I don't know. It also said I'm a whole .5% lower in body fat. Oh I'm so confused! I never fast so I don't know how to handle this random weight loss.

Anyways, I planned breakfast and the popsicle but I kept putting it off telling myself I'd eat it later. So I'm down to my Healthy Choice Orange Zest Chicken Meal. I'm just going to eat the whole time or whatever part of it I want to since I haven't eaten anything else today. Well I'm going to write the 208.8lbs down and the 45.0% B.F.% and then see how tomorrow morning on the scale goes.

I noticed this morning that originally I was super excited to get up in the mornings and weigh myself. But this morning I literally had to drag myself out of bed just to get myself to weigh and like I knew it was bad. t's crazy how you can gain such a hatred for an inanimate object. Oh well. Well hoping for the 209s or 208s tomorrow! Wish me luck! If this 208.8 is real I may instate another 24 hour fast on Sunday so that I have a better chance of reaching 207, but maybe even 205 =)

6 Days Left! =//

Day 11

So that binge yesterday definitely showed up today in full form. I'm back up .6lbs. So I am at 210.2lbs. Damn! Which is equal to exactly what I should have lost in one day. So since tomorrow was about 900-1,00 calories, I'm going for sub-400 today. I hope that shocks my metabolism enough. It would be great to just lose 1lb by tomorrow but hopefully at least .6lbs will be gone. I NEED to be below 210 by tomorrow.

It looks like it's impossible to reach 205 by next Friday. So, I'm going to aim for 207 now. Which means losing .4lbs each day. Please no plateaus. That would just kill me.

Here's the Plan for today:
Brunch
1 Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120

Dinner
1/2 Healthy Choice Orange Zest Chicken Meal - 150

Snacks
2 Advent Calendar Chocolates - 14
1 Dreyer's Strawberry Fruit Bar - 80

Total: 364

I must lose by tomorrow. If not I will try to fast on Saturday or at least do a juice fast. As we all know though, I suck at fasting so we'll see how that goes.

Thinspo for the Day

 You get two today because I couldn't decide. Which one's your favorite?

Stay Thin and If Not Get There,
xxxxxxxx

No No No

Day 10

Plateau. Hit one. Hate it. Must get past it. I have to be down 4.6 lbs in at least 1 week from tomorrow. I have to.

I can't give a meal plan today as I'm with my birthmother which always leads to surprises. What I do know is I'm taking one of my yogurts and planning on a frozen meal for dinner. But basically I'm going to try to fast so that I can change plans quickly. Unlike the oatmeal yesterday where I got dragged to breakfast after I'd already eat my breakfast. Oh well.

I can't tell anyone this but I've decided that all I truly want for Christmas is to be out of the 200s and just a little bit more willpower. =) I mean, who doesn't? What do you want for Christmas? Ana related or not.

Have a good day lovelies. And stay strong as I know I have to today regardless of my birthmother and my plateau. If this plateau continues past 2 or 3 days though, then I'm going to have to get serious.

Thinspo for the Day

xxxxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I know it's technically Friday but I need to rant about Thursday. I binged. Bad. My birthmother got to me and we went to the most greasy burger place in the city. It was so good but so sinful the whole time. I was able to get a diet coke and then only eat half of my GIANT burger when she at her whole one. Luckily I stopped other wise it would have been much worse.  I just want to get to 205 by next friday and that's going to be hard. Especially accounting for the exta weight I know I'm going to gain from today.

*sigh* I really can't complain. I did it to myself.

Night Lovelies. Tomorrow will be better.