Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Only 2 1/2 more hours

Well I sat down today and outlined the next 26 weeks of my life. It's gonna be hell. I know it will be. And yet, I'm still ready to push through it. I'm putting up new tabs at the top of my blog so you guys know what I'm up to and how it's going to go down.

To put it simply, I think my appetite has decreased monumentally since I've had mono. For my last meal tonight I got thai fried rice and egg rolls. I couldn't eat even half of the rice and ate only 1 1/2 of the egg rolls. Previously, I could eat the whole order of both fried rice and egg rolls. I knew that this was going to be my last meal to I forced myself to eat the whole thing even though I was already so full. I sucked but I know I'll be happy I did it in a week, month, and longer from now.

The only thing I'm truly worried about is the sheer ammount of food I have in my room right now. I have cookies, triscuits, popcorn, trailmix, soup, peanut butter, mini bagels, redvines, chocolate, ice cream, and a 12 pack of sierra mist. I can't just throw it away because morally that would feel wrong but I know eventually I will have to get rid of it as the urge will become too strong. Basically, I need to make it past the first 5 days and hopefully I'll be in the clear. I'm aiming to lose 3.2 pounds a week and in December I lost 6 pounds in one weeks so I hope I can handle this. The key for me is to not go to the cafeteria and binge. Also, diving is over now so as far as having to eat with my team I'm free. I may have to battle through a few random dinners with friends but I'll just fast during the day and then eat a little bit during the meal.

I just need to stay motivated! I want to reach 140 pounds more than anything right now and I need to by August 24th, my birthday is the 25th.

Thinspo for the Day

To everyone, let's keep each other strong,

Monday, February 21, 2011

Good Morning!!!! =)

I'm in a good mood this morning. I'm starting to restrict again on Wednesday and I'm relieved, excited, and nervous. I haven't restricted in so long so I'm worried that I may not be able to do it as well as I did before but I'm still gonna try just as hard! I hope all of you are still doing well and staying motivated!

In a sense, I have been lucky these past two weeks but also super unlucky! I got mono last week and don't get it cause it really really sucks, but on the bright side, my tonsils swelled up sooo big that I could barely eat anything. As a result I barely ate anything and lost about 5 or 6 pounds in a little over a week.

I just wanted to say how much I've missed you guys and that since I haven't been reading blogs lately I can't wait to get back in touch with all of you! Feel free to email me.

Also, I would like to make this point that THIS IS A PROANA blog! I know there are several people in the world who hate proana but I also know that there are people who do love ana and she guides them through life. So......don't leave rude comments on my blog. You may have written them in a way that you consider "complimentary" but underneath you were insulting what I believe in and what I support. That is the equivalent of inadvertantly making fun of someone's religion or other beliefs. So don't do it here. Thank you.

To the rest of you, I welcome your support and it means a lot to me! I love you all,

Thinspo for the Day

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I still have 20 days

Until I can be thin.
Until I can be beautiful.
Until I can start starving myself thin.
Until he will notice me.

I have been out of the loop. I haven't read your posts lately and I haven't posted either. Reading about your successes and losses just makes me feel worse. I want success and I want all of your support when I fail but instead I can't until stupid diving is over. My self esteem has been shot down beyond belief lately. I just want to starve and cry to gain some kind of control but I can't start getting weird looks from my friends now when I don't even deserve those looks.

I'm failing.
What if I'm never thin?
I need it more than anything.
More than my worst addiction - Food.

I wish more than anything that I could just cut my food intake and lose this weight. I feel so fat when I walk, talk, sit, breath, dive, dance, and just move. This other night I had a dream about this guy on the swim team that I think is super hot and I woke up all happy until I realized that eventhough I'm single and he's single he would never even hook up with me. As long as I look like this I will have no confidence and until I have confidence there's no way I will get him. So, instead I will have to sit by and watch as he goes after other girls and hope that there's someone out there who enjoys huge disgusting girls.

In case you all couldn't tell I'm very down on myself right now. It's bad, I'm feeling depressed but at the same time I just want to keep this feeling. I want to keep having bad dreams that wake my up crying and I want to just curl up in a ball and cry for days. But I can do neither of those as I can't control my self-concious and I'm too fat to curl up in a ball. So screw me, screw my life, it sucks.

Maybe you guys are doing much better but I don't know if I can stand to read your posts right now when all I want is to starve and I need the calories to dive. Right now, the urge to binge is equivalent to my urge to starve. That's ironic.

Starve for me,