Friday, April 29, 2011

Super Quick

My friend has moved into my room. Not good. So now I suck at restricting because she's always there with snacks and dinner requests and I can say no to a few but not all of the times she offers. It's too much.


It's only until the 5th of May. Which is great!

I also can't post because she's always right behind me looking at what I'm doing. So I will try to post when possible but to be honest, it won't be too much until I'm free from her.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Starting Over

Let me give you guys the breakdown from last Wednesday to today. One of my friends pissed her roommate off. I don't think that either of them has the right to be mad at the other for whatever reasons they are mad. Anyways, them being mad has led to my friend moving into my room when my roommate isn't here. Which has literally been Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. So it's come to the fact that I can't weigh myself in the mornings because she's awake, I can't weigh myself before bed because she's here, and I can only weigh in the middle of the day after I've already eaten. I hate this! I'm trapped in my own room. And of course she's one of my two friends that whenever I'm around I can just binge like crazy. She doesn't eat a lot but it's like being with her gives me the right to. So basically I fucked up last week.


I'm starting over. Starting today. I need people to notice me because I'm thin and I need to get to that level. I want it so bad. I now just quickly getup and weigh myself while she's brushing her teeth in the morning. I have to be quick but it worked this morning. I need my life back. I need to restrict.

So far today I have had a diet coke (0), barely any of my stir fry from lunch (~68), 14 french fries (94), couple bites of a chicken wrap (~50), and half an oatmeal cookie (45). Bringing my midday total to 258. Pretty good considering my usual midday total.

Up until May there is no real plan. Just to not eat like a pig and hopefully drop a couple or a few pounds.

I hope all of you are doing well, xx

Thinspo for the Day
I will get what I want and you will be jealous.

Edit: I had a Healthy Choice Steamers Meal for dinner (340) so all in all today I have had 598 calories!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Can't Believe I Made it to Thursday!

Waking up yesterday I was nervous. I didn't eat a lot Tuesday but I just didn't feel like I do in the mornings when I think I've lost. And sure enough, I gained! How could I gain so much from one meal? Back up to 229.0

I tried really hard to restrict yesterday but I hit the binge zone last night with mini donuts, wheat thin sticks, sushi, cookie dough, and chips. It was horrible. But then once again, weird enough, I lost this morning. Maybe my metabolism needed a kickstart but I was down to 227.4. It's not 227.2 (I'm picky) but it's still low enough that it made me feel much better about myself!

Now, on to today. So far so good. I have no clue what I'll be eating today. For sure a salad at some point and I've had about 1/2 a can of diet coke and one piece of gum but that's about it.

I'm excited because my friend told me last night I should try out for dance team next year. I'll have to stretch like crazy and lose A TON of weight before tryouts in the fall but if I do I think I could do reasonably well. I really want to do that and pledge a sorority. And no one wants a fat sorority sister!

Ok, that's it for now. I'll probably edit later tho!
Stay Skinny! xx

Thinspo for the Day
I will get what I want, and you will be jealous

Edit: I hate myself for having to write this edit. I can feel the shame throughout my whole body. I feel all the fat on every bone of my body weighing me down. I want it gone and yet all I did to fix that today was eat. Eat. Eat. Eat.

I suck. I didn't binge. That, I did not do. I just ate my regular portions multiple times today and I hate unhealthy food too. I'm so mad at myself.

Tomorrow WILL be better. I'm stronger than I think and I need that part of me to show itself.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's Tuesday

Today sucked pretty much. I got into the college I want to transfer to and study anthro at only to not get enough financial aid to go. So I'm stuck on this campus where I binge, people know me as the fat kid, and I am trapped in my room too often. I cried for half an hour this morning and only got up when I had to get Chemistry help for my test tomorrow.

I was kinda sad though as neither of my best friends would take me anywhere and all I needed was to be off campus. I wanted to stop crying and having a breakdown and it got to the point where I considered getting up, going to the bus stop and just never getting off until I was too far away to turn around. I wanted to so bad. I had the money too. But I'm too responsible and the Chem test kept me here. I feel pretty confident about it but I still had to study quite a bit.

At least next year I have a single and I don't have to do diving unless I want to. I will only be ready for next year if I reach my target goal of 160 (Ok, I will be happy with 170 or less but I want 160). I want the shock affect of, "Uhm, you're tiny. How did you do that?" And I'll just laugh as I only eat apples and diet coke and say, "I finally found my willpower."

I'm ready and I hope I can blog all summer. I'll be at a medical school for at least 2 months out of the summer doing research basically. I'm really excited! They're paying me $3,000 too!

I have convinced myself in this post that next year and this summer will not suck! They will be great! The only thing I have to do is find a major that I really want to do as my school right now does not have anthro and that's what I really want to do. But I can't transfer junior year and try to start that major then. It just wouldn't happen. So that's one obstacle but I'm positive I can figure it.

P.S.  5lbs down since midnight on saturday!! On my way down!

It is 9:30pm and I am dead tired. I'm going to crash very soon after finishing this. Oh btw (sorry for my crazy mind!) I only had fried rice, egg rolls, and diet coke all day. I had 3 jelly beans for a psych study someone was doing in the quad so in total I've had less than 1,000calories today which is like great for me!


Thinspo for the Day
i will get what i want. and you will be jealous

Monday, April 18, 2011

Pretty Good

Today I was down to 228.2. Which gives me a grand total of 4lbs since midnight on Saturday. I just hope it keeps going down tomorrow.

Today had ups and downs. I planned out my meals for today on which was a good idea but then I screwed up my lunch. I was supposed to have a whole wheat, humus, lettuce, tomato, and onion sandwich with an apple, carrots, and cucumbers but instead I went for the salmon and rice option. At least I got 1/2 brown rice but that still kicked up my calories. Then, I had 2 Reese's Eggs. Damn Easter candy! I didn't even know about Reese's eggs until a couple weeks ago. Oh well, that added on some calories and I'm supposed to hang out with my friend tonight so who know what that will mean.

What I'm most proud of today is that I went to my refrigerator got out the big tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and got out my last two Reese's eggs and I stood there, in front of my mirror, crying and telling myself not to eat them. And somehow I managed to slowly stuff them back into the fridge and the back of my closet. It may just be a small accomplishment to you guys but it is big to me. I most likely would have gone on to eat half the tub, and it's one of the giant Nestle tubs too! Oh well, a pat on the back for me.

My friend caught on to my skipping meals. I told her I wasn't walking down the hill to get food and she told me that starving is not the way to eat healthy. I wanted to yell at her, "Screw being healthy! I just want to be 100lbs thinner. No matter what it takes." But I didn't and instead I told her I eat, just not when she does and that I'm perfectly fine. Then of course she texts me today and asks me if I want to go to lunch. I'm way to smart to turn that down and risk looking like I'm lying and I really am starving and so I had my slip-up and ate the salmon and rice. At least it wasn't as bad as the quesadilla or the hamburger that I most likely would have gotten. I'm so glad I didn't do that!

Sorry for the long daily breakdown. I want to lose this weight and I need to be 227.2 or less (preferably 224) by Saturday morning. I'm trying to lose 5lbs/week officially starting in May but it's not like I'm gonna slack off until then. These next two weeks are like the start up to the hard-core restricting.

I can't wait to be thin!

Thinspo for the Day
 i will get what i want

I screwed after I wrote this. A tuna sandwich, 1 1/2 snack bags of wheat thins, an oatmeal rasin cookie, and half a purity organic strawberry lemonade. Overall today I stayed below 2000, but not by much. I. Just hope my weight maintains or goes down tomorrow. Please not back up!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Kinda On Track Again

I will say today has been the best so far. I was trying to do a 24 hour fast but by about 5:30 my stomach was in so much pain I had to put something in it. I will be the first to say that I am addicted to water but as soon as I try to fast suddenly I don't water, I don't want diet coke, I don't want anything and that probably screws me up the most.

I have spent this entire weekend relaxing. So bad but I did not have the energy to deal with life or to move. I just got out of bed at 5:30 today due to the hunger pains. I stayed in bed, despite the sauna-like temperatures and thought. I thought about my stomach and how it hangs, and how I hate my life and how I wish I could starve until by body fat % was 0. I want this to be over with and the only way to do that is for me to lose all this stupid weight. I want it gone. I checked and I can lose 3.5lbs a week by eating 874 or less calories. That seems so much but I know I should aim for that.

My new life was planned to start today and while I could not follow through with the fast I still only ate one meal, trying to get rid of all the take out in my fridge.

I look around me constantly and all I see are tiny people. All I want is to be like them a lot of the time now I just feel so depressed because of it. I feel sluggish and I don't want to get out of bed or I don't want to go to class but usually I force myself to do so. Everything is so hard now. I have gained so much weigh as of late Since winter break (like 4 months) I have gained 20lbs. How does that happen? I don't know but I'm over it. I'm supposed to enjoy a breakfast at a fancy bakery on Saturday morning so my goal is from today to saturday to be at least 5lbs lighter by then. At midnight yesterday (the beginning of this thingy) I was 232.2 (Please don't hate me or stop reading because I'm so fat.). Around noon today I was 229.0 and I will weigh again tonight. If I can stay above this 229 then I'll already be down 3.2lbs and I'll just need to lose 1.8lbs more.

Oh please let me get there!

Thinspo for the Day
i will get what i want xxxx

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Week/Day/Year from Hell (excuse my French)

Today = the worst. I have hit the bottom. I can't walk around without wanting to cry and hide in my room until I am thin. I hate the people around me because they're all soo skinny and they don't try. Why can't I not try?

I learned my birthmother is like 287lbs. Please don't let me get up there. I would literally kill myself.

So, today...
woke up early. breakfast:
chobani strawberry yogurt (140)
whole wheat english muffin (134)
strawberry jelly (50)
blended mocha (180)
apple turnover the first fail of the day (170)

got hungry in class:
1 ounce raw almonds (160)

had lunch:      
"could have had the whole order but only ate about 1/4 of the order" shrimp stir fry (46)      
salad with carrots, romaine, cucumbers, sunflower seeds, and balsamic (146)      

Dinner (aka bingefest):
4 mozzarella sticks (403)
Bacon burger with ketchup, mustard, and mayo (682)
1 small bag Doritos (140)
2 ounces pistaschios (340)

Talk about a day full of eating my feelings. I did it. I totaled 2,554. Can you beat that? I wish someone could so I didn't feel so shitty.

As weird as it sounds (especially to me) I want to be empty. I want to purge all the food I ever eat again and I would if I didn't have to do it in a stall next to someone else. Damn!

I want to fast for weeks and never stop but I don't think I can and I don't know how I did it before.

I haven't wanted to crawl up and bed and cry for awhile but now I want to for the next couple of hours.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes....
Thinspo for the Day

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Dieting, walking, homework all are too much for me and i'm sooo tired. I bought weight loss pills and whether they actually work or not they've inspired me to eat less which is good.

I am nowhere near where I need to be and I need the scale numbers to go down. I need to not eat. I've realized that it's harder to make it through a day when you eat breakfast than if you just don't eat until you can't bear it anymore. So we'll have to see about that. Right now I just want to sleep. So far today's been pretty good. up to 711 calories due to a vegan cookie but staying strong. If I get the nerve to do so, I'll go to the gym tonight. I hope I can, I'm just tired.

I want to lose as close to 4lbs in the next week as possible. This may be hard as my mother's coming to visit me this weekend (I'm really excited!) but I'm still going to make an attempt. My jeans almost refuse to fit now and it sucks. I hate my body.
Well I will repost hopefully next wednesday depending on my results. haha.

Thinspo for the Day