Sunday, August 14, 2011

Back Home Finally

I'm so glad to finally be back home and eating slightly better. Although so far I haven't had the best quality of food I've been eating less which I consider a positive myself.
Anyways, so I got the new Hp TouchPad today which is better than the iPad apparently and also $100 cheaper. So far I like it the only minuses are no netflix an no iTunes store but I'll see how it goes. If it doesn't go over all that well I'll just return this before going off to school and instead getting the iPad which was my original choice.

In regards to previous comments:

Isobel I'm sorry if you think that I'm "wishing for an eating disorder." I'm not and technically I already have the eating disorder of binge eating. And since you're not as large as I am I doubt that you know exactly how I feel. That's not to say that you don't feel like you want to lose weight or that you feel fat but I literally am fat. For the past few years I have felt more and more depressed and suicidal to the point where some days I can barely function. Perhaps this is true for you too in which case I support you. But I just wanted to let you know that I don't sit in my room at night praying to become anorexic.

Sophia, to be honest snacking really is not a problem for me. I really never do it unlesss I am in the middle of sports activity when I need to refuel. Also I know that is probably how I should feel about the guy but I literally can't let it go. I've been in love with him since kindergarten so you can't really just ditch something like that.


No Thinspo Tonight

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Yep. Definetly too Fat.

So I weighed in today which was most definitely a bad idea. 
 I have never weighted this much before and I hate it. I've turned into a gluttonous person.
I don't want to be this person.

Actual food intake today was not so bad.
But snacks and desserts added on top makes it much worse.
At least I'll be home Saturday night.
I just want to get away from bad foods that make me feel horrible,
(both mentally and physically)

I just want to let everyone know that we're all in the same boat.
We all feel the same way about food.
And we all want to be thin so we can stop feeling this way. we can be thinner...

I want to be thin so bad.
I'm too afraid to go back to diving next year,
something I love something that makes me look gross due to swimsuits and being fat
I don't want to be anywhere near my friends or do anything that will make me remotely happy
I want to go back to hating myself
At least then I knew what I wanted and how to get it.

All I do is worry about what people will think.
When they look at me all I see is them staring at me wondering...
"Why is she so fat?"
"It's people like her who shouldn't be allowed to eat."
"Why is she eating a salad? Fat people don't like healthy foods."
And they're right. I am FAT. I shouldn't be allowed to eat or drive my car. I should only be allowed to starve and I should be required to only walk places until I am just bones.

Sorry this is so long and the rest of this post will just be my internal problems so feel free to skip it if you want.

I want this guy. I've known him since I was less than a year old and ever since them I've had a crush on him. So what's the problem? We hang out sometimes and always fool around but I actually want him. Of course there's no way he wants me. Who wants the fat girl hanging onto them at parties and having to feed your fat girlfriend? No guy does.

Then I had this great dream last night.
I was so thin.
My thighs were nonexistent and my arms were tiny.
My stomach was streched tight against my hip bones and my hair was perfect.
There wasn't an ounce of fat anywhere on my body.
And for once. I was happy.
I was beautiful.
And he wanted me.

This is all I want and he can't know.
He can't know that every calorie counted is a step back away from him.
And that I would starve myself to get him.
To be beautiful.
I would puke up my guts so that the girl in the mirror became beautiful.
So that she had friends and a boyfriend and so that everyone wanted to be her.

That's what thin gets you.

Stay strong lovelies as I struggle toward what I want,

Thinspo for the Day
I will get what I want and you will be jealous.

Monday, August 8, 2011

I Feel Like I Have to be Honest with Myself

Have I weighed myself in the last week? No. Do I feel crappy about that? Yes.

I've just gotten to the point where I feel stuck. Too fat. I hate myself right now. Nothing fits and my thighs are huge. My stomach is gross.

I've been watching a lot of Supersize v. Superskinny and all I can conclude is that really soon I'm going to be the supersizer. I would hate myself for this.

On a better note. My summer program is almost done which means I'll be home for two weeks (which could be a disaster) but afterwards I'm back at school. I realize how much I've missed my dining hall with the foods that I know the calorie content of and can choose what I want to eat and when. Literally this summer has consisted of 7 weeks of Panda Express and Chick-fil-a. Foods I love but foods that should only be eaten once every 6 months.

I can't wait until greek yogurts and salads and low calories. I can have them now but I don't know how to anymore. I need to be in my safe spot with my normal foods.

I know this doesn't tell you anything about anything I'm doing now that's inspirational but check back in a few weeks and I'll be back on track. I know it's long term but I'd really like to lose 100lbs by next summer. I feel like if I dedicate myself though I can lose more than that.

I hope everyone else is staying skinny for the summer. =)


Thinspo for the Day
I will get what I want and you will be jealous