Sunday, January 23, 2011

Bad Night

Let me just say that last night should have been great. I went to my first college frat party (I know I'm lame for not partying more) at USC and it should have been fun. I should have drank (or at least wanted to), I should have danced with guys, and I should have had a great time. Instead, my being fat ruined it for me. Noone wants to dance with the fat girl or get her a drink or anything.

I went with my two diver friends, the pretty and hot and skinny girls, and they got all the attention. I'll let you know first how the first party of the year went. We went to a school dance (notoriously known for having a lot of drunk and crazy people) and not even 2minutes in two guys were grinding on them and I was awkwardly still in the circle dancing by myself. This went on for at least an hour and by the end I just wanted to cry about how no one wanted to dance with me and I is probably because I was so fat. So, back to last night, the same thing happened. We get there and the guy one of my friends is friends with comes up with two cup and says, "I could only get two drinks" and then hands them to them, and tells me there's more at the bar. That was kind of a slap in the face, why would she be more likely to get the drink instead of me? Because I'm disgustingly fat. Gross! And then of course we ended up in the same stupid circle with two guys grinding on them and me just bobbing to the music. In case you haven't experienced this before, it sucks. I hated it and I just wanted some guy, even a loser/creeper, to grind on me - it's gotten that bad recently. So the party sucked according to my friends (I had nothing to gauge it against) and afterward, as we were walking the long way back to the car, this group of creepish black guys were just standing together blocking the sidewalk. I was in the back of our "line" as we were walking along and they started trying to hit on us, mainly me. So yes, I get hit on but only A. sometimes and B. by creepy black guys who have nothing better to do. My friends made me keep walking which is definetly the right thing to do but somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to go back and talk to them and hang out with them because as creepish as they might be, it felt good to be wanted when they weren't wanted more....

Anyways, enough of the rant. It's just I can't tell my friends because they'll think I'm stupid and that I have no reason to have such a low self-esteem. And all of you, as beautiful as you are even at 110 or 120 or 130 or more, you understand how I feel probably and it's comforting.

I decided to tell you my top 10 greatest food "addictions" - 1 being the worst - are and If any of you have tips to break this addiction PLEASE let me know! I need all the help you can give. Don't read if you have bad binge triggers!

1. Onion Rings
2. French Fries
3. Ice Cream
4. Hamburgers/Cheeseburgers (best with bacon)
5. Cookies
6. Pie
7. Milkshakes
8. My mother's popcorn
9. Wheat Thins
10. Chipotle Burritos or Qdoba Nachos

Trigger Part Over!
Well that was like the longest post ever! I apologize but if your read all the way through, Thank You. It means a lot.

Also, I promise I will comment more on your blogs. I've just been reading from like the 11th and trying to catch up on all the crazy stuff you all have been up to! But I'm catching up on most of them. If you want me to read yours just leave me a comment. Also I've put in a little box in the sidebar with my email and phone if you ever need help or just want another friend to talk to. I have At&t in the US and I have unlimited txting.

Thinspo for the Day

Stay Lovley

Friday, January 21, 2011

I'm afaid I will lose weight and not be pretty enough. Not necessarily to others, but I'm afraid the mirror will tell me these things and I will believe it. I promised myself I wouldn't strive to have my bones show, but what if that's the only way I can lose enough weight?

Meet Day!

This has to be a quick post as I'm supposed to be eating breakfast with my friend =(. But anyways, today I have another dive meet! I'm really nervous actually and I kind of don't want to compete 3M but I also don't really have a choice so I might as well suck it up.

Now, here's what I have figured out so far. As long as my body obeys me, If I lose 4lbs a week between February 23rd and the end of August I could still be looking at my goal weight of 130-140 by the beginning of school. The only thing is that I'll be home for 3months during that time and my mother's not stupid so she'll probably notice I'm not eating right. So I'll have to figure something out for that.......I just need to lose this weight.

As of right now I'm mainly trying to eat better, healthier, and not end up at 2000+ calories a day. (A nightmare!) However, the good thing is that I exercise everyday for diving. Want a challenge? Do my diving ab workout from yesterday.
- 50 crunches
- 40 pike ups (hold legs together and make a V with your body and touch your toes)
- 1minute bridge/plank
- 1minute leg hold (about 6 inches off the ground)
- 50 russains (sitting with legs up and then rotate and touch the ground on both sides of your hips touching each side counts as one)
- 20 sit-ups
Then do all of that 5 times! Ick! Worst workout ever.

Thinspo for the Day

I hope everyone's staying thinspired and empty today.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Punishment Probably Awaits

All I can say is that I am a horrible person. I HATE myself right now and my friends aren't helping me at all. Last time I told you that Tuesday marked the beginning of GM and no more eating out. Then, they conveniently decide Monday night that we should all go to In-N-Out for lunch on Tuesday. When I said I didn't want to they guilt tripped me into going! So I couldn't start GM because it would be vegetable day today and In-N-Out doesn't have vegetables. Damn!

Other than that I have failed in the weight category. The fact that I was 207 a little more than a month ago seems unreal and my weight now just seems pitiful. I want to blame my coaches and my diving friends since I had to come back early and eat with them and eat out with them. But it must also be my fault. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever go over 215 again and I've failed horribly at that too! I am now 218.4 I am devastated and depressed to report. I haven't been this high since September or October!

I know that recently I have totally sucked at posting but hopefully unless some unknown things occur I should be posting daily again. Trying to get this weight thing right. I think I should aim for 1,000 again like I did originally and then go down to 800, then 500, and then hopefully 400. I will say though that dive/swim season ends on the 22nd of February and after that I will be able to do whatever I want (I hope). I'll just have school and friends to deal with. But I won't have to worry about eating lunch or having a snack before diving so that I have energy, I can just skip them.

Here's me and my diver friends. See how skinny they are and how fat I am? (I'm second to the right)
The girl on the left is my main thinspo.

If anyone's still following and you feel the need to give encouragement I welcome it so much! I need someone to kick me butt (maybe literally) back into shape. I need to suck it up and lose the weight!

Alrighty! Off to my first class of 2011 now! Wish my luck!

Thinspo for the Day
Love all you lovlies,

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Day - Who Knows

Just so you know. I'm doing bad but school starts Tuesday and with that we stop eating out, I diet, and I begin my journey to 135.

I know you've heard that before but this time I swear to you. I will try to do GM again starting Tuesday.

We will all be thin soon. Hugs and kisses!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Starting Tomorrow

Starting tomorrow I am going to attempt the GM diet. I Googled how to bake a potato in the microwave and I believe I have everything else I need.

Tomorrow is the fruit day so I will be eating fruit all day, possibly until I explode. The actual description of tomorrow:
"Day One: All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good."

Here's the link if anyone else wants to try it! General Motors Diet Good luck!

I've decided that it might be best to weight in only at the beginning and the end but we'll have to see how well I do on that one. It's only 7 days and right now, that seems like a short ammount of time but I know it's gonna be hard

Well, here we go!

Thinspo for the Day

Starve on Lovlies,

Friday, January 7, 2011

Long Day

I don't do this actual dive
Today I ate. It was good. I'm hoping that this diet will work cold turkey starting Monday! Tomorrow I have a dive meet and I'm kind of nervous as to how that will go. I'm competing three meter for the first time every (an accomplishment because I am terrified of heights). Here's a picture of a 3meter diver. If you've ever been to a public pool, it's the "high dive" some of them have.

Anyways, I will be tired, cranky, and perhaps unhappy after tomorrow's meet so I may not post until the start of the diet Saturday. I'm thinking of doing either the sgd diet or the gm diet. I want to do the gm diet but I have no access to baked potatoes in the mornings. Suggestions?

Also, I am trying to read and catch up on your blogs. If you want me to read or just another supportive commenter leave me a comment and I'll read your blog.

Thinspo for the Day

Nighty Night Lovelies,
Stay Strong

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Suck it Up

Ok Lovlies,

I have had my bad days, my good days, my depressed days. I have had to literally pull my legs and body out of bed and then not have the energy to even go shopping for clothes. But I have decided I need to accept this, drink caffeine (jk...maybe), and get back in the swing of things. The hardest part about this is this swim/dive team "swim camp" for 2 weeks. I was so excited to come back and fast and restrict but that's not how it turned out at all. My other two diver friends come get me to eat (all 3 meals of the day) and then I'm around food and I eat more than I'm supposed to. They barely eat anything and they're the ones who wanted to go! Damn! It's killing me. But I'm still going to try. I'm going to give it this Sunday through the 16th and then hopefully keep going because swim camp ends on the 16th. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow and Saturday except that I have a dive meet on Saturday (This terrifies me because I'm supposed to be competing 3meter and I'm literally terrified of heights! Oh well, gotta do it for the coach) which means dinner and other assorted snacks being forced at me.

So I don't know if I'll post until Sunday but I will try. To be honest the reason I haven't been posting on top of my lack on energy is the fact that I only have to energy to sit and watch Bones. Great show, love it, and I'm watching all the episodes of every season but it takes up time. So I will attempt to post but no promises. =)

Hope everyone is starving to the brink of invisibility,
Night xxxx

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hey Guys and Gals

The day doesn't matter right now, and to be completely honest the weight matters but I literally cannot wrap my mind around so many things now so my weight problems are taking a backseat for not too long but a little bit. I will catch you all up. I spent a good 5-8hours with police and in the hospital today filing charges against my boyfriend. Now I'm just shaken up, upset, and very annoyed. So, yes, I have eaten, and no, it hasn't made me feel better. Tomorrow I'm going to go try to replace the clothes the police took from me for evidence. I don't want to go shop because that's supposed to serve as some of my rewards but they took my only pair of "fat" pants and I have a strange feeling I will need them again.

Right now, to be honest I just want to sleep and sleep and not wake up for at least 24 hours. But I can't because I have stupid diving and I have a dive meet this weekend. I don't know what to do or what excuse to give my coach tomorrow about why I missed practice today (while in the hospital).

Any comments, anything, would be appreciated. I just feel really alone right now and have no clue what to do with myself.

Thinspo for the Day

Hope everyone else is starving themselves thin. Night night.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Worst Day. No Exaggerations.

I can honestly say that today has been the absolute worst day of my life. My boyfriend basically sexually assaulted/maybe raped me tonight. That's all that I can say. I needed to tell someone. Other than that. I am fat. I ham huge. Every part of me is too big. My diet commences tomorrow again. I need to lose this weight. I hate myself.

Sorry the post is short.