So I weighed in today which was most definitely a bad idea.
I have never weighted this much before and I hate it. I've turned into a gluttonous person.
I don't want to be this person.
Actual food intake today was not so bad.
But snacks and desserts added on top makes it much worse.
At least I'll be home Saturday night.
I just want to get away from bad foods that make me feel horrible,
(both mentally and physically)
I just want to let everyone know that we're all in the same boat.
We all feel the same way about food.
And we all want to be thin
so we can stop feeling this way.
...so we can be thinner...
I want to be thin so bad.
I'm too afraid to go back to diving next year,
I don't want to be anywhere near my friends or do anything that will make me remotely happy
I want to go back to hating myself
At least then I knew what I wanted and how to get it.
All I do is worry about what people will think.
When they look at me all I see is them staring at me wondering...
"Why is she so fat?"
"It's people like her who shouldn't be allowed to eat."
"Why is she eating a salad? Fat people don't like healthy foods."
And they're right. I am FAT. I shouldn't be allowed to eat or drive my car. I should only be allowed to starve and I should be required to only walk places until I am just bones.
Sorry this is so long and the rest of this post will just be my internal problems so feel free to skip it if you want.
I want this guy. I've known him since I was less than a year old and ever since them I've had a crush on him. So what's the problem? We hang out sometimes and always fool around but I actually want him. Of course there's no way he wants me. Who wants the fat girl hanging onto them at parties and having to feed your fat girlfriend? No guy does.
Then I had this great dream last night.
I was so thin.
My thighs were nonexistent and my arms were tiny.
My stomach was streched tight against my hip bones and my hair was perfect.
There wasn't an ounce of fat anywhere on my body.
And for once. I was happy.
I was beautiful.
And he wanted me.
This is all I want and he can't know.
He can't know that every calorie counted is a step back away from him.
And that I would starve myself to get him.
To be beautiful.
I would puke up my guts so that the girl in the mirror became beautiful.
So that she had friends and a boyfriend and so that everyone wanted to be her.
That's what thin gets you.
Stay strong lovelies as I struggle toward what I want,
Thinspo for the Day
I will get what I want and you will be jealous.