Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Week/Day/Year from Hell (excuse my French)

Today = the worst. I have hit the bottom. I can't walk around without wanting to cry and hide in my room until I am thin. I hate the people around me because they're all soo skinny and they don't try. Why can't I not try?

I learned my birthmother is like 287lbs. Please don't let me get up there. I would literally kill myself.

So, today...
woke up early. breakfast:
chobani strawberry yogurt (140)
whole wheat english muffin (134)
strawberry jelly (50)
blended mocha (180)
apple turnover the first fail of the day (170)

got hungry in class:
1 ounce raw almonds (160)

had lunch:      
"could have had the whole order but only ate about 1/4 of the order" shrimp stir fry (46)      
salad with carrots, romaine, cucumbers, sunflower seeds, and balsamic (146)      

Dinner (aka bingefest):
4 mozzarella sticks (403)
Bacon burger with ketchup, mustard, and mayo (682)
1 small bag Doritos (140)
2 ounces pistaschios (340)

Talk about a day full of eating my feelings. I did it. I totaled 2,554. Can you beat that? I wish someone could so I didn't feel so shitty.

As weird as it sounds (especially to me) I want to be empty. I want to purge all the food I ever eat again and I would if I didn't have to do it in a stall next to someone else. Damn!

I want to fast for weeks and never stop but I don't think I can and I don't know how I did it before.

I haven't wanted to crawl up and bed and cry for awhile but now I want to for the next couple of hours.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes....
Thinspo for the Day


  1. Don’t be so down on yourself, it’s only adding more pressure to what seems like an already stressful life. Sure, you may have messed up yesterday, but what’s done is done. Just work on making sure that you don’t repeat your mistakes the next day. You seem like a determined young woman, I know you can kick these binges. Just have more faith in yourself, you can and will lose this weight!!!- Also anytime you need someone to talk to feel free to email me (, I may not be able to respond right away, or have anything real insightful to say, but I’ll do my best to support you how ever I can.

  2. Ayla's right, you cant change whats happened already. Just treat it as a learning curve and start again tomorrow :)
    I know the pressure to not end up like your family, practically everyone in my dad's immedate family is over 250 pounds i swear. I use it as motivation though because i know what can happen if i slip up and stop caring one day.