Thursday, February 3, 2011

I still have 20 days

Until I can be thin.
Until I can be beautiful.
Until I can start starving myself thin.
Until he will notice me.

I have been out of the loop. I haven't read your posts lately and I haven't posted either. Reading about your successes and losses just makes me feel worse. I want success and I want all of your support when I fail but instead I can't until stupid diving is over. My self esteem has been shot down beyond belief lately. I just want to starve and cry to gain some kind of control but I can't start getting weird looks from my friends now when I don't even deserve those looks.

I'm failing.
What if I'm never thin?
I need it more than anything.
More than my worst addiction - Food.

I wish more than anything that I could just cut my food intake and lose this weight. I feel so fat when I walk, talk, sit, breath, dive, dance, and just move. This other night I had a dream about this guy on the swim team that I think is super hot and I woke up all happy until I realized that eventhough I'm single and he's single he would never even hook up with me. As long as I look like this I will have no confidence and until I have confidence there's no way I will get him. So, instead I will have to sit by and watch as he goes after other girls and hope that there's someone out there who enjoys huge disgusting girls.

In case you all couldn't tell I'm very down on myself right now. It's bad, I'm feeling depressed but at the same time I just want to keep this feeling. I want to keep having bad dreams that wake my up crying and I want to just curl up in a ball and cry for days. But I can do neither of those as I can't control my self-concious and I'm too fat to curl up in a ball. So screw me, screw my life, it sucks.

Maybe you guys are doing much better but I don't know if I can stand to read your posts right now when all I want is to starve and I need the calories to dive. Right now, the urge to binge is equivalent to my urge to starve. That's ironic.

Starve for me,


  1. Dude I'm 21 and I struggle with weight loss too. I have only read a couple of your blogs because I was looking for stuff on the web and stumbled across your page. I don't usually blog but I have to say that I saw your vlog in the beginning and I just want you to know that you are beautiful!

    Society is the only thing that is making you feel so terrible and if I could I would destroy the "norms" of society and allow people to be who they are. I have some friends who are "heavy" and I've never met cooler people. Personality is so much better than looks and you aren't even "ugly". If you have a shinning personality that is what everyone is going to see. You need to stop being so hard on yourself and get a new attitude about yourself.

    Be healthy it's important but your body will put you at your healthy weight if you are good to it. Your goal should be to be healthy not thin. Your beautiful girl and I don't want you to waste away just because of what society has brain washed us to believe is beauty.

    And the boyfriend thing...if you are with someone just because you don't think you will find someone else that's not healthy. The right person will come your way but the key is to not look for him. Just live and love life to the fullest and use your body to do it. Just look at some athletes who don't have various limbs and can do things that you and I can't even do. They were able to do those things because they lived life to the fullest and they decided what they could do with their body's.

    Work what you have been given and with that attitude you will grow wings.

    Hope you take life by the reins and get it girl!

  2. You shouldnt starve yourself, it leads to binging and youll be trapped in that circle for ages. Just eat healthy but less calories or restrict but dont go overboard because thats when you expect ig things and if you didnt achieve it youll be upset and 'fall off the wagon' You can get there but do it the right way :)

  3. finally read this post.
    forget the others and do what you want!... i know how you feel, so im not suggesting anything.
    i hope youre feeling a little better now, and thanks for texting me. i always love it when people do that. <3
    i hope your diving is going well too.

    much love. <3