Until I can be thin.
Until I can be beautiful.
Until I can start starving myself thin.
Until he will notice me.
I have been out of the loop. I haven't read your posts lately and I haven't posted either. Reading about your successes and losses just makes me feel worse. I want success and I want all of your support when I fail but instead I can't until stupid diving is over. My self esteem has been shot down beyond belief lately. I just want to starve and cry to gain some kind of control but I can't start getting weird looks from my friends now when I don't even deserve those looks.
What if I'm never thin?
I need it more than anything.
More than my worst addiction - Food.
I wish more than anything that I could just cut my food intake and lose this weight. I feel so fat when I walk, talk, sit, breath, dive, dance, and just move. This other night I had a dream about this guy on the swim team that I think is super hot and I woke up all happy until I realized that eventhough I'm single and he's single he would never even hook up with me. As long as I look like this I will have no confidence and until I have confidence there's no way I will get him. So, instead I will have to sit by and watch as he goes after other girls and hope that there's someone out there who enjoys huge disgusting girls.
In case you all couldn't tell I'm very down on myself right now. It's bad, I'm feeling depressed but at the same time I just want to keep this feeling. I want to keep having bad dreams that wake my up crying and I want to just curl up in a ball and cry for days. But I can do neither of those as I can't control my self-concious and I'm too fat to curl up in a ball. So screw me, screw my life, it sucks.
Maybe you guys are doing much better but I don't know if I can stand to read your posts right now when all I want is to starve and I need the calories to dive. Right now, the urge to binge is equivalent to my urge to starve. That's ironic.
Starve for me,