Day 2...Sorta

I feel really accomplished right now. I mean, not as much as I want but still I have done better today than most days. I'll clue you guys in on what I'm talking about. It's already 1:30 and I've only had 443 calories. As compared to yesterday where by this time I'd had over 1000. eep! This morning I had a lot of fruit, and a english muffin with PB and banana. I felt great this morning when I put aside half the banana, the english muffin, the PB, and the other fruit and I only ate half of each. So far I have completed my task for the day. Getting rid of half of everything I eat. Then, for lunch I had 1/2 a PBJ (I know. More PB= not good) and a cup of apple slices. So once again I ate half of the main part of my meal! I felt so good.

Now the part of the day that just made me feel super good was when I refrained from screwing up my day. My friend was buying a cookie and I stood there staring and looking and craving a piece of pumpkin pie and pecan pie. She told me to get it and I snapped out of it, refused, and walked away quickly. It felt sooooo good. If I can keep making that kind of progress, thin has to come easily to me. Right?

~~UPDATE~~
I know someone out there must care about me. And I feel bad in letting that person down especially after such a great day! Damn! But I got carried away. Not even until dinner. I did really well and I got what I planned on getting but then it started going downhill after that. First there was the tortilla chip bar and the ice cream and the naked juice. Which when I add all of it up, it comes out at a 606 calorie binge. Which I will say is better than yesterday. Overall today I consumed 1,249 calories and burned around 3,058 calories. So I'm definitely negative. I just hope that counts. My net calorie consumption was -1,809 at the end of the day! Damn! Well, tomorrow will be better. So far I've also taken 2 multi-vitamins today. I know you're only supposed to take 1 but I really need to raise the iron in my blood by friday so I can donate blood. Also, Thursday and Friday are meet days. So Thursday I'm going to try to only eat a small lunch and then we have a team dinner where I will be required to eat. Friday, I'm going to try and eat as little as possible so as not to raise suspicions.

I never really though about this and I hope it's really true but I think I will be able to better restrict when I'm home. Not all days, not when we have tons of food, but for sure the other days. I may even be able to get away with fasting for a day, or more! I really wanna try fasting and I gotta find a way to fight back the Thanksgiving and Christmas pounds! grrrrrr!

All I know is those Hollister jeans will be mine. If you do read this plz don't give up on me cuz if so it'll probably just lead to me giving up on myself. Which I can't have happen!

Day 1 - Here We Go Again

So, basically today was a failure. I woke up checked the scale and expected between 217 and 220 pounds due to thanksgiving weekend. But no I was 215.8lbs. Which I will admit is better than what I thought I'd see but still not good enough. Secretly I was praying I was still 212. But I know I don't deserve it. Not after this weekend. Well I'm motivated. It's 8:30am and I have hunger pains but I'm going to get through it. I'm not gonna give in. 400-800 calories today!

~~UPDATE~~
This is not a good Update. It's a fail. Or more specifically a recap of the worst binge ever. I went to the cafeteria feeling confident that I could control what I ate and wouldn't screw up royally. So.....

I stuffed my face for 30minutes straight. I ate until I didn't want the food anymore and yet I kept shoveling (not an exageration of a word) in tons and tons of food. Here's the breakdown:

1 cup sliced apples - 57
.28oz baby carrots - 13
1 BLT on wheat bread - 258
1 scoop mocha almond fudge ice cream - 105
1 scoop nutella ice cream - 105
1 huge white chocolate chip and macadamian nut cookie - 280

Omg. That is 818 calories in one meal. Damn!!! I hate myself. However, the one thing I know for sure now is that I cannot go to the cafeteria for meals alone. Otherwise I WILL binge. I'm going to finish up today the way I had planned it regardless of how high my calorie intake is in the end. Then tomorrow I will get back in the mindset. It's all about the Thinspo. =) I know that thin HAS to taste better than any BLT, Burger, or any other food. I just haven't tasted thin yet but once I have, I'm sure I will agree with this statement.

Hope the rest of you are staying strong!!!
xxxxxxx

~~UPDATE~~
Well, I'm just wayyyy to embarrassed to post what was my overall calorie intake. However, I did end up at -687 overall so maybe that will count for something. My number 1 plan for tomorrow is to practice cutting everything up and only eating half at the most. That's my challenge cause I must say, that has got to be one of my biggest problems - eating the whole dish. No matter what! eek! At least I ended up at 7 glasses of water, only 2 cups away from my goal.

Here's the plan for tomorrow:
1 Raspberry Low Fat Stoneyfield Yogurt - 130

1 Cup Apple Slices - 57
1/2 PBJ - 189

1 Cup Grape Tomatoes - 32
1 Cup Cucumbers - 16
1 Cup Carrot Strips - 50
1/2 Vegetarian (Wheat Bread, Tomato, Lettuce, Onion) Sandwich - 113

Well goodnight all. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Thanks for the reminder not.quite.ana!

Day...I have no Clue...Maybe 0

So I have royally screwed up to put it nicely. I have done so bad in fact that I have even chosen to stop recording what I've eaten. However, This may have been a slip up since the 15 or 16th but starting tomorrow, the 28th, I'm getting back on track and restricting. I want to be thin so bad! I need it. I feel my bones yelling at me to let them through but my fat constantly fights back. It's like my fat = the devil and my bones = the angel and which one do you always listen to? =) Muffin or "I'm not hungry right now"? It's always always always the muffin!!! damn! So I need a clean start and that's why I've decided that today, Sunday, Is Day 0. So that tomorrow will be Day 1 i.e. the start-up again. I need to be at least 160 my the week after spring break so that I can go shopping with my friends like I've already told them. I think that hardest part is being alone at school trying to do this. I wish there was someone with me here so I didn't have to do this by myself. I need someone to keep my accountable.

I'm nervous though. I talked to my mom the other day and told her I was serious about losing weight. Something that she has never suspected...which I don't believe but whatever. Either way, she said she's behind me. Which will suck but also be good, I hope. Maybe she'll stop me from pigging out when I'm home. Does anyone ever feel like they're fighting a losing battle uphill and no matter how far you go up you just slide back up and the whole time you just want to give up and walk back down to the bottom, sit down, and give up? Because that's exactly how I feel right now. I just don't feel like it's going to happen for me and I don't want to accept that AT ALL!!! Sorry if this is a rant =)

I hate the feeling that my body gives me literally every minute of everyday. The only parts of my body that I actually like are my eyes and my two thumbnails. I know random but those are the only two parts that I like. I would be willing to swap out all the rest of my body parts for custom built ones. Why isn't life like Sims? lol. Oh well.

All I know is I'm fat. Fat. FAt. FAT. FATTTTTT!!!! It hangs everywhere, hides who I really am, and most likely repulses people.

I don't want to have to wait to go through a door because I'm too fat too fit with another person.
I want to be able to share a chair with my friend because I'm small enough.
I want to go into Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc without getting looks.
I want to not feel like I'm going to break chairs or beds when I sit on them.
I want my boyfriend to be able to pick me up and spin me around or...do other things...=)
I want other guys to want me.
I want to not fit into even one-piece swimsuits.
I want my family to look at me and say "wow, look what she did! she looks great."
- I want to smile happily when they say this.
I want to not lose energy so easily because I've been lugging around 200+ pounds.
I don't want to like men's shirts cuz they fit I want to like them cuz they're huge on me.
I want everyone to stop staring at me because I'm huge.
I NEVER want to look like my birthmother.
I don't want to feel depressed about my weight every minute of every day. I want to think of something else.
I don't want to feel like I could just carve off my stomach and be happy.

I want my bones to shine through - all over.

And I know that I can be all this. And I can be more than this. I just know I have to suck it up and dedicate myself to the process, as there's no other way to do it.

So.....after that rant =)
Here's the plan!
400-800 calories/day - except diving meet (or tuesday dryland) days then 800-1200 calories
9 cups of water/day
Apples over any bad foods
Watch, focus on, or look at other people around me/thinspo for at least 30mins a day
Walk briskly uphill to my dorm no matter how much it hurts or whether I'm panting. - It WILL get better
Say NO to foods I don't need - basically anything other than food planned for the day
If absolutely necessary to eat before working out don't overdo it, eat something filling without lots of calories

I hope I hope I hope I can do this. If anyone looks at this or reads this please please please comment It'll help me stay accountable if I have someone there.

Day 10

Ok. So I keep fucking up and not writing. Damn! That's one of my rules too. However, as I continue to skip days of writing, I continue to increase and increase and increase my daily intake. Grrrr! I can't even give you my breakdown as it physically would hurt to do so. Either way. I will kick back down to a lower gear starting sunday as I have commitments through saturday. I need to be tiny. I need to. I just need to find out how to do it and to do it so I don't binge like a crazy person!

Alright. That's it for today.

Day 8

9:53am

Well thank god! I’m back down to the weight I was last thursday. Which is good because that means the 212.0 was wrong or I managed to lose those 2lbs. Here’s the thing though. This one girl on whyeat.net says I should be eating more calories since I work out sooooo much but then this other girl on pretty thin says I should be eating 500calories/day max. grrrrrr. this is confusing. I mean it seems to make sense that when I binge to like 1500 calories I lose more weight that week than when I don’t but I’m already in the ana mindset and even seeing 1500 gives me a panic attack. any ideas?

~~UPDATE~~

Let’s talk about the worst fucking fail ever!!!! My monday in other words. So today was great except it sucked. It was great cuz I ate whatever I could fucking get my hands on but it sucked because as I watched the calories pile on top of each other I wanted to cry but it was like I couldn’t control myself anyways. I’ll give you the breakdown =(

Breakfast:

None – this was the only good part

Lunch:

1cup cucumber slices – 16

1cup grape tomatoes – 32

1 full serving of my made-to-order penne pasta – 447

1 coke zero – 0

1 chocolate chocolate chip cookie – 180

Snack:

12oz strawberry banana smoothie with yogurt and whipped cream – 165

9 cucumber sushi rolls – 180

1 white chocolate chip macadamian nut cookie – 210

1 full bar – 94

Dinner:

3oz salmon grilled – 127

1cup white rice – 242

1TBSp teriyaki sauce – 15

1cup apple slices – 57

1TBSP peanut butter creamy – 94

Exercise:

BMR – 1,802

Walking around campus – 202

Diving – 304

Total Calories Consumed: 1,940

Total Calories Burned: 2,308

Net Calories for the day: -368

Bad day. I’ve also decided I’m going to go back to weighing myself everyday. I can’t help it. It’s like the numbers are a form of addiction.

Day 7 – Sorry I didn’t write yesterday =/

Ok I know I’ve fucked up this weekend but I couldn’t post (my phone was being stupid and everything I wrote and posted got deleted so I gave up). So instead I’ll just summarize the weekend. Overall – minus today cuz today just sucked – I did really well. On friday I ended up only eating a little bit at the rehearsal dinner instead of inhaling everything in sight (it was buffet style). Then Saturday, I had two greek yogurts, some Trop50 oj, and 1/4cup of bear naked. Then for the dinner I mostly ate a lot. However, I ate all the salad stuff = accomlishment. I ate the veggies in my entree and left behind some of the tortellini = accomplishment. I barely ate any cake (they gave each of us 2 4-layer pieces of cake =o) = accomplishment. So it was good but I couldn’t figure out how many calories I took in.

Now for today. Today was a failure. Complete failure. For breakfast/lunch I had scrambled eggs on ciabatta bread, greek yogurt, trop50 OJ = 340 calories. Then for my second lunch (yes, SECOND LUNCH) I had 1 3/4 cheeseburgers from McDs and large fries = 1,121. And then for dinner I had 1/2 a cheeseburger at school and 11 onion rings. FML.

Total Calories = 2,044 =(

I haven’t weighed in all weekend (couldn’t find the scale) So I plan to weigh in tomorrow and go from there. I don’t know how that’s going to go at all though =/. I hope it goes well. I bought laxatives.

The one amazing thing that happend this weekend is that I bought new jeans. That may not sound awesome butttt……..

THEY’RE A SIZE SMALLER THAN THE ONLY JEANS I COULD FIT INTO FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!!! I’m soooo happy. I can finally fit into a size 17 and they’re comfortable too =) I’m sooo happy about this. But I didn’t want to tell my mom as I want her to be super surprised when I come home for xmas and I am a size 15 or hopefully size 13. BTW, I am only buying my jeans – until I reach size 11 or 9 – at JC Penny’s because I figure I don’t want to waste money every month and also I’m thinking of it as a reward for myself.

Alrighty, I’ll just put in the daily breakdown for this weekend and then go to bed:

Friday:

Total Calories Consumed: 835

Total Exercise Calories Burned: 2,353

Net Calories: -1,518

Saturday:

Total Calories Consumed: 436 + about 1,000

Total Exercise Calories Burned: 2,105

Net Calories: -669

Sunday:

Total Calories Consumed: 2,044

Total Exercise Calories Burned: 2,408

Net Calories: -364

Damn! - Day 5

Of course this would happen to me. I splurged yesterday because…..of course I couldn’t resist and checked my weight. Damn! Well as of yesterday I should have been around 210-210.6. But now, this morning, I’m 212.0. But here’s my reason for all of this. First of all yesterday’s weigh-in was after I had eaten, worked out, and drunken a ton of water. So it may have been a weird number. Now, as far as today’s number goes, I only got 2 1/2hrs of sleep as I had to be up around 3:00 to catch my flight home. So I don’t think my body really had time to readjust itself as I usually sleep 6-8hrs a night.

Now for today. So far, I have already fucked up and it’s only 5am. Smh. I ate two McDonald’s hashbrowns. At least I can admit that. I tend to be a solo eat in secret person who doesn’t want to admit what kind of crap they put in their body. Well I had my Greek yogurts to eat but the stupid TSA woman wouldn’t let me take them through so I ended up majorly hungry on the only options being McDs, Starbucks, or a sandwich place. I hate airports! =( I just hope this isn’t a sign for the rest of this weekend.

One foot in front of another, one fork down leads to another, and one pound gone can always be followed by another. I will not fail.

Day 4

11:21am

I’m pretty much in a good mood today because I got to register for my spring classes and got like all the ones I wanted! Yess! Other than that, on the food side, I’m doing ok so far. I substituted 1/4 banana for my usual cantaloupe today to mix it up I guess. Also, does anyone know if salmon’s bad for you? I don’t think it would be as there’s a lot of omega-3 in it and if I don’t eat a lot I should be fine. I’ve also decided that, even though it’s breaking a rule, I will weigh myself tomorrow to see where I am prior to going home – and hopefully not failing. I hope the scale shows something lower than 211.4. Even more hopefully 207-208. Please Please Please?

Day 3 (icky but better than yesterday)

11:17pm

Today went relatively well. Breakfast was the same as usual. Lunch, I ate all the veggies and I felt proud of myself and only got 1/2 of my sandwich (If I only have half, I’ll only eat half), and then I ruined it by also eating another greek yogurt for lunch. Which wouldn’t have been too bad if It wasn’t for dinner. I had my dinner planned out and I know I should have stuck to it, but I wanted salmon and rice. Good thing that I had to work right away and didn’t have time to get it right? NO. I sampled my friend’s leftovers and then proceeded to order my own on my work break. DAMN! Well, even with the screw ups today and a 40cal snack of high fiber cereal, I only ended up at 1,136 which is good because it’s lower than 1,200. Alrighty, here’s the breakdown for today:

Breakfast:

Vanilla Greek Yogurt – 120

Watermelon 1/4cup – 10

Cantaloupe 1/4cup – 7

Lunch:

Grape tomatoes 1/8pint – 8

Cucumber slices 1/3cup – 5

Carrot strips 1cup – 50

Sandwich 1/2 – 113

Vanilla greek yogurt – 120

Dinner:

Plain bagel – 190

Neufachatel cream cheese 2/3oz – 49

Salmon 3oz – 127

White rice (broke a rule) 1cup – 242

Snacks:

High fiber cereal 1/3cup – 40

Exercise:

BMR – 1,802

Walking on campus – 201

Running – 119

Weight lifting – 378

Pilates – 151

Diving – 303

Working – 785

Total Calories Consumed: 1,130

Total Exercise Burned: 3,739

Net Calories: -2,609

All this hard work BETTER show up on the scale on Monday!!

Day 2

8:56am.

Ok, first of all it sucks to be up this early. It just gives me that many more hours in the day to eat! damn. I had to be up for our 6am diving conditioning. It sucks. However, I did learn that lunges are the best exercise to eliminate my flabby hamstrings and that leg lifts and leg holds are the best for my lower belly roll =(. So, I guess I will start doing those friday-monday (days when I don’t have morning practice already).

So far I have had 269 calories for breakfast – more than yesterdays breakfast. But I have already burned at least 1,000calories so we’re doing good. Also, I almost caved this morning – twice – and weighed myself. I know I can’t do that though so I’m writing on here instead. If I look and I’ve gone up I will be pissed and eat in an attempt to feel better. But, if it’s less, I will feel really happy and think that because I’ve gone down it’ll be perfectly fine to eat more – THIS IS NOT TRUE. This weight thing is so hard and I’m only on the 2nd day? Damn! But I’m just gonna inch along slowly and I will get there. Afterall, it’s easier to trip if you’re running as opposed to walking right?

I.CAN.DO.THIS.

~~UPDATE~~
Ok. So I fucked up and snacked so I changed my dinner choice to make up for the problem. But now I’m at a swim team event that has two rlly large sheet cakes to support cancer! This sucks! Of course everyone will question me if I don’t eat the cake even if I give a legitimate reason. Damn! It’s like the world hates me. Prior to the cake, I will be at 1,185calories not counting my exercise for the day. But still, the cake is gonna kick me up above the 1,200 mark which is what I try to make my absolute max for the day. So either I deal with ridicule or I suck it up and hope my exercise does it’s job. I need to be down 3lbs by Monday. I NEED TO. However, the main problem is this weekend. As I will be home going to my cousin’s wedding. The perfect excuse to overeat and overeat a lot. But I’ve decided that no matter what I’m going to make sure I have my Greek yogurt and some other healthy low-cal food with me at ALL times. At the rehearsal dinner and the reception I will cut everything put in front of me into small pieces, drink lots of water in between each bite, and leave at least half the food on my plate. I refuse to chew and spit though. If I screw up at home, I could easily gain more than 3lbs by Monday instead of losing them.

~~UPDATE~~
Ok. Last update before bed. =) here’s where I ended up for the day:
Breakfast:
Watermelon 1/2cup – 10
Cantaloupe 1/2cup – 14
Strawberry banana Greek yogurt – 160
Tropicana OJ 6oz – 85

Lunch:
Usual sandwich – 226
Cucumber slices 1/3cup – 5
Carrot slices 1cup – 50
Grape tomato 1/8pint – 8

Dinner:
English Muffin 3/4 – 100
PB 1TBSP – 94
Grape Tomatoes 1/4pint – 16
Cucumber slices 1/4cup – 8
Xing mango green tea 1/2can – 30

Snacks (not all at once):
Humus 1/4cup – 70
Pita 1piece – 170
Orange cranberry muffin =( – 140
Vanilla cake w/frosting 1/4slice – 60

Exercise:
BMR – 1,802
Walking on campus – 201
Diving – 363
Morning Dryland – 1,083

Total Calories – 1,246 (46 over my max)
Total Exercise – 3,449
Net Calories – -2,203

Day 1 - Again

So I have started Day 1 again. I weighed in today too. I am the same as yesterday =( 211.4lbs. I guess that’s good after my red robin binge (eeww!) and my late-night snack. I hope it works a lot better this time (fingers crossed). So far – at 10:45am – I have had 171 calories for breakfast as people say skipping breakfast screws up your metabolism – right? Well I had a vanilla Chobani Greek Yogurt, about 1/3cup of watermelon, and 1/3cup of honeydew melon. That doesn’t sound too bad for breakfast and I was talking on the phone to my mom so I had to slow my eating down and really enjoy/think it. If I could find a way to slow down how much I eat, I think that would be highly beneficial.

Also, question. Does anyone know if apples and PB is a good “not too ana” meal? – Thanks!

~~UPDATE~~

So it is now 8:41pm Pacific time. I’m doing homework and going to watch GG. Today has been a great first day today and I want to see what the scale think SO BAD tomorrow morning, but I will refrain. So far my day has been good. Curse dinner though because that has got to be the one meal where either you binge or you look ana. Am I right? I had to have a humus snack pack thing and fruit and I still got people saying rude things. Fuck! Oh well. When I’m thin I can eat how they want me to (well sort of). Here’s my day break down:

Breakfast:

Vanilla Chobani Greek Yogurt – 120

Watermelon – 13

Honeydew Melon – 18

Lunch:

Sandwich (WW bread, humus, lettuce, tomato, onion) – 226

Dinner:

Sabra Humus Snack Pack w/Pretzels – 380

Fresh Fruit Salad – 100

Exercise:

Diving – 262

BMR – 1,802

Walking on Campus – 201

Total Food Calories – 857

Net Calories - -1.409

It felt so good to be empty and not all icked up with tons of fatty and greasy foods and it’ll feel better when I don’t have to do a jean dance to get size 7 Hollister jeans on. (YES!)

I need to be there! I need to. If I don’t reach this by summer I will die. Literally.

I’m going home to visit my family this weekend and after that I won’t be home until Dec 17 and If i’m good by then I should be down to 195. I want them to notice.

Fasting Day

Ok. Great News!!!

I checked the scale (yea, I know I caved) but I am 211.4lbs and my body fat% is 45.9!!! This is great for me as I started this week at 215.0lbs and about a 46.8BF%. I thought I would have gained a zillion pounds as this week I have been eating burgers and all the other gross crap =(!!! So far I’m 10hrs into my fast but I had to work until 3 this morning (without daylight savings time) ick!. But yea. I woke up hungry but ignored it and now it seems to have gone away for awhile. But now I’m going to clean my room which will hopefully burn some extra calories =). But then it’s all homework for the rest of the day. I just can’t get bored and want to eat while studying =/ that’s when I’m at my weakest – when I’m bored. Anyways, I will try to update during the day or whenever I’m hungry (so you may have to deal with a long post)

~~UPDATE~~

Today the fasting failed. I hope this isn’t a prelude to my diet. I told myself that today was my last day to have soda, onion rings, and a hamburger before I plunge into this diet for 6mos =// so I guess we’ll have to see if that screws things up. Hopefully the scale will show something good tomorrow! =) I’ve decided that eventhough it sucks, weighing myself once a week will be much more motivational than everyday because wen I saw 211.4lbs today it was way cooler than .2lbs everyday. I can do this. I WILL BE THIN.

Craving is just a feeling, like sadness, happiness, or pain. It goes away if you stop focusing all your energy on it.

The Point

I want to be this thin

I don’t really know exactly how blogging works or even if it will work. But I guess I’ll try. For any of you who haven’t already figured out what this is, this is a weight blog. About my life and about how sucky I feel and hopefully at least someone or some of you will support me. I’m 18 and in college and ever since I moved in 7th grade I have been constantly putting these nice pudgy fat rolls all over my body. Everyday I get depressed and feel like my life means nothing and that no one should be my friend or care about me because of how I look.

I want to be thin.

I don’t need to be 100lbs (at least not yet) and I don’t even need to be 120lbs, but what I do need is to be 140lbs by the time summer comes around. For most of you I know you’re saying, “140lbs? that’s sooo much. Even when she reaches that weight she’ll be fat.” But the thing that you don’t know is I haven’t seen a scale say anything less than 195lbs in 4-5 years. That sucks! I want to be less than this and I think it is one of the most important things for me ever.

Recently, I have tried purging, binging, anorexia and I have failed at each of them – except the binging =). I literally have the worst willpower of any person you will ever meet. I can resolve to do something (which I do A LOT) and then the next day if I see a hamburger all my willpower is gone and I can’t resist.

So, I will break this down for all of you. About 3 weeks ago I tried restricting but with my sport (diving) it was too hard to survive morning dryland practices on 300cals so I justified cheating. =( Then last monday (the 1st) I started my new diet plan. To lose 80lbs in about 6months – 25 weeks basically. I rocked monday and tuesday and then failed wednesday, thursday, and friday. Now it’s saturday and I have resolved to start this diet again on monday. I love how food tastes and I need it so bad (NO I DON”T) but I need to learn that I can survive on less than 5zillion calories a day. So we’re going to make this work and survive these 6 months no matter how hard they are. I will post separately the rules for this diet and my rewards (Yay!!!).

Please, if you read, leave comments and suggestions.

Just some thinspo for anyone who needs it!

~~UPDATE~~

I know I said no starving while on this diet but I’m going to try to fast tomorrow and teach myself restraint before these long 6months. I might not make it. But I’m going to try and have faith in myself. As long as I don’t wind up in a restaurant, cafeteria, etc I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok.