Sunday, November 28, 2010

Day...I have no Clue...Maybe 0

So I have royally screwed up to put it nicely. I have done so bad in fact that I have even chosen to stop recording what I've eaten. However, This may have been a slip up since the 15 or 16th but starting tomorrow, the 28th, I'm getting back on track and restricting. I want to be thin so bad! I need it. I feel my bones yelling at me to let them through but my fat constantly fights back. It's like my fat = the devil and my bones = the angel and which one do you always listen to? =) Muffin or "I'm not hungry right now"? It's always always always the muffin!!! damn! So I need a clean start and that's why I've decided that today, Sunday, Is Day 0. So that tomorrow will be Day 1 i.e. the start-up again. I need to be at least 160 my the week after spring break so that I can go shopping with my friends like I've already told them. I think that hardest part is being alone at school trying to do this. I wish there was someone with me here so I didn't have to do this by myself. I need someone to keep my accountable.

I'm nervous though. I talked to my mom the other day and told her I was serious about losing weight. Something that she has never suspected...which I don't believe but whatever. Either way, she said she's behind me. Which will suck but also be good, I hope. Maybe she'll stop me from pigging out when I'm home. Does anyone ever feel like they're fighting a losing battle uphill and no matter how far you go up you just slide back up and the whole time you just want to give up and walk back down to the bottom, sit down, and give up? Because that's exactly how I feel right now. I just don't feel like it's going to happen for me and I don't want to accept that AT ALL!!! Sorry if this is a rant =)

I hate the feeling that my body gives me literally every minute of everyday. The only parts of my body that I actually like are my eyes and my two thumbnails. I know random but those are the only two parts that I like. I would be willing to swap out all the rest of my body parts for custom built ones. Why isn't life like Sims? lol. Oh well.

All I know is I'm fat. Fat. FAt. FAT. FATTTTTT!!!! It hangs everywhere, hides who I really am, and most likely repulses people.

I don't want to have to wait to go through a door because I'm too fat too fit with another person.
I want to be able to share a chair with my friend because I'm small enough.
I want to go into Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc without getting looks.
I want to not feel like I'm going to break chairs or beds when I sit on them.
I want my boyfriend to be able to pick me up and spin me around other things...=)
I want other guys to want me.
I want to not fit into even one-piece swimsuits.
I want my family to look at me and say "wow, look what she did! she looks great."
- I want to smile happily when they say this.
I want to not lose energy so easily because I've been lugging around 200+ pounds.
I don't want to like men's shirts cuz they fit I want to like them cuz they're huge on me.
I want everyone to stop staring at me because I'm huge.
I NEVER want to look like my birthmother.
I don't want to feel depressed about my weight every minute of every day. I want to think of something else.
I don't want to feel like I could just carve off my stomach and be happy.

I want my bones to shine through - all over.

And I know that I can be all this. And I can be more than this. I just know I have to suck it up and dedicate myself to the process, as there's no other way to do it.

So.....after that rant =)
Here's the plan!
400-800 calories/day - except diving meet (or tuesday dryland) days then 800-1200 calories
9 cups of water/day
Apples over any bad foods
Watch, focus on, or look at other people around me/thinspo for at least 30mins a day
Walk briskly uphill to my dorm no matter how much it hurts or whether I'm panting. - It WILL get better
Say NO to foods I don't need - basically anything other than food planned for the day
If absolutely necessary to eat before working out don't overdo it, eat something filling without lots of calories

I hope I hope I hope I can do this. If anyone looks at this or reads this please please please comment It'll help me stay accountable if I have someone there.

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