I thought today and this break back at school was going to be easy. Instead, I have learned that until next Monday, it's going to be hard. Basically, the cafeterias on campus aren't open until Monday so I have been give $80 to eat off campus until then. First, eating out is one of my greatest nemises. I binge, without a doubt. So, this could prove to be problematic! =) So far, I have consumed 567 calories and later today I will have burned 482 calories. I wish I could tell someone, "Don't take me out to eat, I don't want to eat, I need to hate food." But we all know none of us could get away with that! Oh well, I'll battle through and I will soon be back to 207 and then will continue down. I did buy cuties today and those only have 35calories each so that will be a good snack.
As I read other people's blogs I love hearing about their days and their stories and so I think I want to add that into my posts. So sorry guys! The posts are gonna get longer =).
To put it simply, I hate my boyfriend. He's a jerk to me and I know it. I hate it. We basically met online when I was 15 and have been together for like 3 1/2 years now. However, until June in 2009 I had never met him in person. And when I did all he wanted was to feel me up and try to have sex with me. (sorry if this is tmi guys) I didn't want to but I went along with it but we didn't have sex. Then I met him again in september last year and the same thing happened. This time I think technically we did have sex but he denies it. Instead he flipped out during and drove me back to the school I was visiting, kicked me out of the car, and essentially broke up with me. I was really lost clueless. Over the phone he told me he found my face unattractive and that we'd never last because I was too fat to hang out with him. =( Then a month and a half later we got back together. Ever since, he has been horrible. He never texts or calls me or even makes time to see me when I can. Is it just me or is this rude? If this is how all guys are please let me know. But it hurts everyday that he doesn't really care and it's worse that he tries to say he does care.
Now here's the real problem. He's 22 and he hasn't gone to college and he hasn't had a real job in the past 2 years. I personally am proud of my education and I work whenever possible. It means a lot to me that I don't end up poor later on in life because that's how my life has been so far. I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about him or tell my mother about him because of his lack of education and money. In the back of my mind I know I will never be with him much longer because I will not be able to live a productive life with him holding me back. So I've decided that at the end of the summer, when I am hopefully between 120 and 140 I will come back to school and come see him. I want him to see me at my most beautiful stage yet and make him want me more than he ever has before. And then after, I'll dump him. Wow, I didn't realize how bitchy that was until I wrote it but the way he's treated me all these years he deserves it.
I brought this up because yesterday when I got to LAX I had all these feelings thrown back into my face times 30. I saw this girl, about my height, but rail thin and wearing only a long, cute shirt and leggings. She was with the most attractive guy on my flight and they couldn't stop smiling at each other, talking, and kissing. I wanted to be her so bad. I couldn't stop staring at them. I couldn't help feeling like this is what a relationship is like. People in love and wanting to spend all of their time together. I know that my love life is no where near that!
Inside I know that I refuse to dump him right now because he's the only person who seems to care (and he doesn't even care that much). He's the only guy that will accept me at this horribly high and disgusting weight! I only love him because he appears to put up with my body. It's so depressing, I want someone who loves my body and loves me completely. Against my better judgment, I told my boyfriend that I was restricting what I was eating a lot and instead of constantly making sure I was eating and all that he told me not to do that and then never thought about it again. I mean, how unimportant can I be? I don't know if I could seperate from him now because I have no guarantee that I'll ever find someone else who will care. If you comment please leave your opinion for me. Do you think I should just give up on him or give him a 15th try (the actual number it would be)?
Ok. I'm done boring you. =) I have diving soon so I will talk to you all later.
Thinspo for the Day