Back Home Finally

I'm so glad to finally be back home and eating slightly better. Although so far I haven't had the best quality of food I've been eating less which I consider a positive myself.
Anyways, so I got the new Hp TouchPad today which is better than the iPad apparently and also $100 cheaper. So far I like it the only minuses are no netflix an no iTunes store but I'll see how it goes. If it doesn't go over all that well I'll just return this before going off to school and instead getting the iPad which was my original choice.

In regards to previous comments:

Isobel I'm sorry if you think that I'm "wishing for an eating disorder." I'm not and technically I already have the eating disorder of binge eating. And since you're not as large as I am I doubt that you know exactly how I feel. That's not to say that you don't feel like you want to lose weight or that you feel fat but I literally am fat. For the past few years I have felt more and more depressed and suicidal to the point where some days I can barely function. Perhaps this is true for you too in which case I support you. But I just wanted to let you know that I don't sit in my room at night praying to become anorexic.

Sophia, to be honest snacking really is not a problem for me. I really never do it unlesss I am in the middle of sports activity when I need to refuel. Also I know that is probably how I should feel about the guy but I literally can't let it go. I've been in love with him since kindergarten so you can't really just ditch something like that.

xxxx

No Thinspo Tonight

Yep. Definetly too Fat.

So I weighed in today which was most definitely a bad idea. 

243.2lbs.

 I have never weighted this much before and I hate it. I've turned into a gluttonous person.

I don't want to be this person.

Actual food intake today was not so bad.

But snacks and desserts added on top makes it much worse.

At least I'll be home Saturday night.

I just want to get away from bad foods that make me feel horrible,

(both mentally and physically)

I just want to let everyone know that we're all in the same boat.

We all feel the same way about food.

And we all want to be thin so we can stop feeling this way.

...so we can be thinner...

I want to be thin so bad.

I'm too afraid to go back to diving next year,

something I love something that makes me look gross due to swimsuits and being fat

I don't want to be anywhere near my friends or do anything that will make me remotely happy

I want to go back to hating myself

At least then I knew what I wanted and how to get it.

All I do is worry about what people will think.

When they look at me all I see is them staring at me wondering...

"Why is she so fat?"

"It's people like her who shouldn't be allowed to eat."

"Why is she eating a salad? Fat people don't like healthy foods."

And they're right. I am FAT. I shouldn't be allowed to eat or drive my car. I should only be allowed to starve and I should be required to only walk places until I am just bones.

Sorry this is so long and the rest of this post will just be my internal problems so feel free to skip it if you want.

I want this guy. I've known him since I was less than a year old and ever since them I've had a crush on him. So what's the problem? We hang out sometimes and always fool around but I actually want him. Of course there's no way he wants me. Who wants the fat girl hanging onto them at parties and having to feed your fat girlfriend? No guy does.

Then I had this great dream last night.

I was so thin.

My thighs were nonexistent and my arms were tiny.

My stomach was streched tight against my hip bones and my hair was perfect.

There wasn't an ounce of fat anywhere on my body.

And for once. I was happy.

I was beautiful.

And he wanted me.

This is all I want and he can't know.

He can't know that every calorie counted is a step back away from him.

And that I would starve myself to get him.

To be beautiful.

I would puke up my guts so that the girl in the mirror became beautiful.

So that she had friends and a boyfriend and so that everyone wanted to be her.

That's what thin gets you.

Stay strong lovelies as I struggle toward what I want,

xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous.

I Feel Like I Have to be Honest with Myself

Have I weighed myself in the last week? No. Do I feel crappy about that? Yes.

I've just gotten to the point where I feel stuck. Too fat. I hate myself right now. Nothing fits and my thighs are huge. My stomach is gross.

I've been watching a lot of Supersize v. Superskinny and all I can conclude is that really soon I'm going to be the supersizer. I would hate myself for this.

On a better note. My summer program is almost done which means I'll be home for two weeks (which could be a disaster) but afterwards I'm back at school. I realize how much I've missed my dining hall with the foods that I know the calorie content of and can choose what I want to eat and when. Literally this summer has consisted of 7 weeks of Panda Express and Chick-fil-a. Foods I love but foods that should only be eaten once every 6 months.

I can't wait until greek yogurts and salads and low calories. I can have them now but I don't know how to anymore. I need to be in my safe spot with my normal foods.

I know this doesn't tell you anything about anything I'm doing now that's inspirational but check back in a few weeks and I'll be back on track. I know it's long term but I'd really like to lose 100lbs by next summer. I feel like if I dedicate myself though I can lose more than that.

I hope everyone else is staying skinny for the summer. =)

xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Realizations

As I explored an amusement park with my friends today I was constantly in fear, on the verge of tears, and ready to run from the park at any point? Why? The reason we're all here, weight. All my friends would slide into the rides perfectly happy but at every different ride I would be terrified that the bar wouldn't fit down over my thighs or that my stomach couldn't be sucked in any farther to make the restraints fit. At one point it just wouldn't fit and I was ready to just cry in front of everyone but I moved. sucked in, and readjusted until the bar just barely clicked into the first notch.

Food is great but is it worth the terror I feel as the result of this "wonderful" food? I want to walk places and go on bike trips and have fun playing sports. Everything I've loved from a young age but can't truly enjoy anymore.

I'm just too fat now.
I need my scale desperately to see how screwed I am. I just eat mindlessly because it's what I can do. I need to stop. Now.

This is not a promise post. I don't promise to be the best role model because I know I haven't so far. But it is to kick myself into realizing how screwed up I am right now and right now I need this. I'm making a list of appropriate breakfast, lunch, and dinners that will hopefully help.

I'm reading all my old blogs to see where my strength comes from and where my weakness kills me. 

xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Up a Creek and I Definetly Can't Find the Paddle

You know when you look around and everyone gets it? They get what they want and how to get it and they work towards it. They're just taking what you want away from you faster than you can try to find it.
That's what's going on with me now.

I want to be thin, skinny, tiny, [insert any synonym here]

All of you are getting this. You're fasting, restricting, running, working out. I can't. I feel so trapped. The more I worry about my weight and want to lose weight the more I put weight on. Isn't that backwards? I'm rarely ever hungry and yet I still fill myself. Isn't that stupid?

I don't need criticism right now. It would just make this all worse and I'd probably add another 10lbs to my already growing weight thinking about the comment.

I already hate myself. I'm not as fun as usual and I definetly don't participate in activities I used to do. I just hate that I can't be me anymore, regardless of how much I weigh I should be able to to be me. I know losing weight is the only way to do that. I wish I knew someone my age who also wanted to lose weight who lived near me and who could keep constant tabs on me. All it takes is that one look from a friend at my plate to make my stomach turn and make me push away the plate. No one will give me that look! They're too polite!

Someone please kick me butt in the right direction!

Sorry to be such a downer. I just wish I was more like the girls I see everywhere. They say x amount of Americans are obese but I hardly ever see them. All the people around me are all tiny or within a healthy weight range. I want to be unhealthy and in the underweight category instead of the large and in charge section.

This is my resolve though. I will do it. I would be extremely excited if I could lose 10-20lbs by the end of the summer (even though that wouldn't even get me back to where I was at Christmas it would be a start).

xxxx.

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Home Finally

So just to catch everyone up because I've been gone for so long. My friend ended up living with me until the end of school, Thursday. Then I flew home on Friday and I have been unproductive since then...hehe. Guess that's what happens when you're home after finals.

So far I've fucked up on eating healthy since being home but I'm starting tomorrow. I'm hoping to aim for 800 or less calories while I'm home. I just need to find stuff that I can do at home to keep myself busy and out of the house. When I stay at home I snack which is not allowed.

I hate being home so much sometimes and then other times it's all I want.

This is the conclusion I came to a few weeks ago. My grandmother/adoptive mother doesn't notice me ever since my aunt came into the picture (long story that I won't tell now). My aunt is the overachiever and most well hired person in our family. She gets the smart and well-off card. Then my birthmother gets the recovered from being an alcoholic and drug addict card. I get nothing. So, I decided I wanted the thin card. No one in my family would be as thin as me. Then, the other morning I'm laying in bed listening to my grandmother/mother tell my godmother all about how my aunt has lost so much weight and how she looks so good now. I don't know what to do. She's taking the one thing I can conceptually have for herself. I want her gone.

I want to be the thinnest. I need to be. So I will restrict.

So that's where I am. I haven't weighed myself in forever either so I know I will be over 230 which will just be devestating. I hate my need to binge and snack. I need to stop it before it's too late.

I know I am super behind on blogs but I'll read them all and catch up. I'll read all your posts but probably only comment overall on your newest posts!

Stay strong and lovely!!!
xx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous

Super Quick

My friend has moved into my room. Not good. So now I suck at restricting because she's always there with snacks and dinner requests and I can say no to a few but not all of the times she offers. It's too much.

But.

It's only until the 5th of May. Which is great!

I also can't post because she's always right behind me looking at what I'm doing. So I will try to post when possible but to be honest, it won't be too much until I'm free from her.

Starting Over

Let me give you guys the breakdown from last Wednesday to today. One of my friends pissed her roommate off. I don't think that either of them has the right to be mad at the other for whatever reasons they are mad. Anyways, them being mad has led to my friend moving into my room when my roommate isn't here. Which has literally been Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. So it's come to the fact that I can't weigh myself in the mornings because she's awake, I can't weigh myself before bed because she's here, and I can only weigh in the middle of the day after I've already eaten. I hate this! I'm trapped in my own room. And of course she's one of my two friends that whenever I'm around I can just binge like crazy. She doesn't eat a lot but it's like being with her gives me the right to. So basically I fucked up last week.

So...

I'm starting over. Starting today. I need people to notice me because I'm thin and I need to get to that level. I want it so bad. I now just quickly getup and weigh myself while she's brushing her teeth in the morning. I have to be quick but it worked this morning. I need my life back. I need to restrict.

So far today I have had a diet coke (0), barely any of my stir fry from lunch (~68), 14 french fries (94), couple bites of a chicken wrap (~50), and half an oatmeal cookie (45). Bringing my midday total to 258. Pretty good considering my usual midday total.

Up until May there is no real plan. Just to not eat like a pig and hopefully drop a couple or a few pounds.

I hope all of you are doing well, xx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want and you will be jealous.

Edit: I had a Healthy Choice Steamers Meal for dinner (340) so all in all today I have had 598 calories!

Can't Believe I Made it to Thursday!

Waking up yesterday I was nervous. I didn't eat a lot Tuesday but I just didn't feel like I do in the mornings when I think I've lost. And sure enough, I gained! How could I gain so much from one meal? Back up to 229.0

I tried really hard to restrict yesterday but I hit the binge zone last night with mini donuts, wheat thin sticks, sushi, cookie dough, and chips. It was horrible. But then once again, weird enough, I lost this morning. Maybe my metabolism needed a kickstart but I was down to 227.4. It's not 227.2 (I'm picky) but it's still low enough that it made me feel much better about myself!

Now, on to today. So far so good. I have no clue what I'll be eating today. For sure a salad at some point and I've had about 1/2 a can of diet coke and one piece of gum but that's about it.

I'm excited because my friend told me last night I should try out for dance team next year. I'll have to stretch like crazy and lose A TON of weight before tryouts in the fall but if I do I think I could do reasonably well. I really want to do that and pledge a sorority. And no one wants a fat sorority sister!

Ok, that's it for now. I'll probably edit later tho!
Stay Skinny! xx

Thinspo for the Day

I will get what I want, and you will be jealous

Edit: I hate myself for having to write this edit. I can feel the shame throughout my whole body. I feel all the fat on every bone of my body weighing me down. I want it gone and yet all I did to fix that today was eat. Eat. Eat. Eat.

I suck. I didn't binge. That, I did not do. I just ate my regular portions multiple times today and I hate unhealthy food too. I'm so mad at myself.

Tomorrow WILL be better. I'm stronger than I think and I need that part of me to show itself.

It's Tuesday

Today sucked pretty much. I got into the college I want to transfer to and study anthro at only to not get enough financial aid to go. So I'm stuck on this campus where I binge, people know me as the fat kid, and I am trapped in my room too often. I cried for half an hour this morning and only got up when I had to get Chemistry help for my test tomorrow.

I was kinda sad though as neither of my best friends would take me anywhere and all I needed was to be off campus. I wanted to stop crying and having a breakdown and it got to the point where I considered getting up, going to the bus stop and just never getting off until I was too far away to turn around. I wanted to so bad. I had the money too. But I'm too responsible and the Chem test kept me here. I feel pretty confident about it but I still had to study quite a bit.

At least next year I have a single and I don't have to do diving unless I want to. I will only be ready for next year if I reach my target goal of 160 (Ok, I will be happy with 170 or less but I want 160). I want the shock affect of, "Uhm, you're tiny. How did you do that?" And I'll just laugh as I only eat apples and diet coke and say, "I finally found my willpower."

I'm ready and I hope I can blog all summer. I'll be at a medical school for at least 2 months out of the summer doing research basically. I'm really excited! They're paying me $3,000 too!

I have convinced myself in this post that next year and this summer will not suck! They will be great! The only thing I have to do is find a major that I really want to do as my school right now does not have anthro and that's what I really want to do. But I can't transfer junior year and try to start that major then. It just wouldn't happen. So that's one obstacle but I'm positive I can figure it.

P.S.  5lbs down since midnight on saturday!! On my way down!

It is 9:30pm and I am dead tired. I'm going to crash very soon after finishing this. Oh btw (sorry for my crazy mind!) I only had fried rice, egg rolls, and diet coke all day. I had 3 jelly beans for a psych study someone was doing in the quad so in total I've had less than 1,000calories today which is like great for me!

nite.nite.
xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

i will get what i want. and you will be jealous

Pretty Good

Today I was down to 228.2. Which gives me a grand total of 4lbs since midnight on Saturday. I just hope it keeps going down tomorrow.

Today had ups and downs. I planned out my meals for today on Livestrong.com which was a good idea but then I screwed up my lunch. I was supposed to have a whole wheat, humus, lettuce, tomato, and onion sandwich with an apple, carrots, and cucumbers but instead I went for the salmon and rice option. At least I got 1/2 brown rice but that still kicked up my calories. Then, I had 2 Reese's Eggs. Damn Easter candy! I didn't even know about Reese's eggs until a couple weeks ago. Oh well, that added on some calories and I'm supposed to hang out with my friend tonight so who know what that will mean.

But...
What I'm most proud of today is that I went to my refrigerator got out the big tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and got out my last two Reese's eggs and I stood there, in front of my mirror, crying and telling myself not to eat them. And somehow I managed to slowly stuff them back into the fridge and the back of my closet. It may just be a small accomplishment to you guys but it is big to me. I most likely would have gone on to eat half the tub, and it's one of the giant Nestle tubs too! Oh well, a pat on the back for me.

My friend caught on to my skipping meals. I told her I wasn't walking down the hill to get food and she told me that starving is not the way to eat healthy. I wanted to yell at her, "Screw being healthy! I just want to be 100lbs thinner. No matter what it takes." But I didn't and instead I told her I eat, just not when she does and that I'm perfectly fine. Then of course she texts me today and asks me if I want to go to lunch. I'm way to smart to turn that down and risk looking like I'm lying and I really am starving and so I had my slip-up and ate the salmon and rice. At least it wasn't as bad as the quesadilla or the hamburger that I most likely would have gotten. I'm so glad I didn't do that!

Sorry for the long daily breakdown. I want to lose this weight and I need to be 227.2 or less (preferably 224) by Saturday morning. I'm trying to lose 5lbs/week officially starting in May but it's not like I'm gonna slack off until then. These next two weeks are like the start up to the hard-core restricting.

I can't wait to be thin!

Thinspo for the Day

 i will get what i want

Edit:
I screwed after I wrote this. A tuna sandwich, 1 1/2 snack bags of wheat thins, an oatmeal rasin cookie, and half a purity organic strawberry lemonade. Overall today I stayed below 2000, but not by much. I. Just hope my weight maintains or goes down tomorrow. Please not back up!

Kinda On Track Again

I will say today has been the best so far. I was trying to do a 24 hour fast but by about 5:30 my stomach was in so much pain I had to put something in it. I will be the first to say that I am addicted to water but as soon as I try to fast suddenly I don't water, I don't want diet coke, I don't want anything and that probably screws me up the most.

I have spent this entire weekend relaxing. So bad but I did not have the energy to deal with life or to move. I just got out of bed at 5:30 today due to the hunger pains. I stayed in bed, despite the sauna-like temperatures and thought. I thought about my stomach and how it hangs, and how I hate my life and how I wish I could starve until by body fat % was 0. I want this to be over with and the only way to do that is for me to lose all this stupid weight. I want it gone. I checked Livestrong.com and I can lose 3.5lbs a week by eating 874 or less calories. That seems so much but I know I should aim for that.

My new life was planned to start today and while I could not follow through with the fast I still only ate one meal, trying to get rid of all the take out in my fridge.

I look around me constantly and all I see are tiny people. All I want is to be like them a lot of the time now I just feel so depressed because of it. I feel sluggish and I don't want to get out of bed or I don't want to go to class but usually I force myself to do so. Everything is so hard now. I have gained so much weigh as of late Since winter break (like 4 months) I have gained 20lbs. How does that happen? I don't know but I'm over it. I'm supposed to enjoy a breakfast at a fancy bakery on Saturday morning so my goal is from today to saturday to be at least 5lbs lighter by then. At midnight yesterday (the beginning of this thingy) I was 232.2 (Please don't hate me or stop reading because I'm so fat.). Around noon today I was 229.0 and I will weigh again tonight. If I can stay above this 229 then I'll already be down 3.2lbs and I'll just need to lose 1.8lbs more.

Oh please let me get there!

Thinspo for the Day

i will get what i want xxxx

The Week/Day/Year from Hell (excuse my French)

Today = the worst. I have hit the bottom. I can't walk around without wanting to cry and hide in my room until I am thin. I hate the people around me because they're all soo skinny and they don't try. Why can't I not try?

I learned my birthmother is like 287lbs. Please don't let me get up there. I would literally kill myself.

So, today...

woke up early. breakfast:

chobani strawberry yogurt (140)

whole wheat english muffin (134)

strawberry jelly (50)

blended mocha (180)

apple turnover the first fail of the day (170)

got hungry in class:

1 ounce raw almonds (160)

had lunch:      

"could have had the whole order but only ate about 1/4 of the order" shrimp stir fry (46)      

salad with carrots, romaine, cucumbers, sunflower seeds, and balsamic (146)      

Dinner (aka bingefest):

4 mozzarella sticks (403)

Bacon burger with ketchup, mustard, and mayo (682)

1 small bag Doritos (140)

2 ounces pistaschios (340)

Talk about a day full of eating my feelings. I did it. I totaled 2,554. Can you beat that? I wish someone could so I didn't feel so shitty.

As weird as it sounds (especially to me) I want to be empty. I want to purge all the food I ever eat again and I would if I didn't have to do it in a stall next to someone else. Damn!

I want to fast for weeks and never stop but I don't think I can and I don't know how I did it before.

I haven't wanted to crawl up and bed and cry for awhile but now I want to for the next couple of hours.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes....

Thinspo for the Day

xxxx

Tired

Dieting, walking, homework all are too much for me and i'm sooo tired. I bought weight loss pills and whether they actually work or not they've inspired me to eat less which is good.

I am nowhere near where I need to be and I need the scale numbers to go down. I need to not eat. I've realized that it's harder to make it through a day when you eat breakfast than if you just don't eat until you can't bear it anymore. So we'll have to see about that. Right now I just want to sleep. So far today's been pretty good. up to 711 calories due to a vegan cookie but staying strong. If I get the nerve to do so, I'll go to the gym tonight. I hope I can, I'm just tired.

I want to lose as close to 4lbs in the next week as possible. This may be hard as my mother's coming to visit me this weekend (I'm really excited!) but I'm still going to make an attempt. My jeans almost refuse to fit now and it sucks. I hate my body.
Well I will repost hopefully next wednesday depending on my results. haha.

Thinspo for the Day

xxxx

Does anyone every just want to

eat until you literally can't eat anymore and then never stop? This is my problem. My weakness. I have gained pounds and pounds and pounds and I can't bear to stop eating. I need a break but I don't know how. I feel trapped between my friends and I have nowhere to go.

On one side my friend forces me to eat three "real" meals a day and on the other side my friend wants to snack. It's screwing me over.

Is it wrong to ditch you friends to get closer to your goals?

I’m so confused and lost. And I wish I knew someone at my school who restricted so that I could use them as support. All of you guys are so inspirational and you mean so much to me but I need someone to txt wenever. Day or night. I haven’t found anyone yet.

Today I tried desperately to liquid fast but I couldn’t get away from my stupid friend and not eat lunch. I got dragged to the fast food restaurant on campus. Great. Then to fro yo later and lastly to dinner at the same fast food restaurant.

Just kill me.

Kill me now because nothing is working.

Follow-up

Well this is just another post this morning (not from my phone) and I wanted to say that yes, I need your help and if any of you are willing to txt me plz email me. whyshouldweeat@yahoo.com

Other than that, I'm lost. I don't know what to do today and I'm kind of overwhelmed. I just want to sleep for days and then go home, away from school. I'm really starting to hate it here.

Oh well, there's your thinspo, comment or email me!

Thinspo for the Day

xxxx

I Need Help! Please?

Well, it's Thursday and I don't have a texting buddy. What do you all think I should do? I already promised my friend that I would go back to school shopping with her at the end of the summer. Advice? I want to be so much smaller but I have such a hard time doing so. I miss not.quite.ana SOOO MUCH!! She's how I made it through fasting last time.

Well help me out please?
xxxx

Today and Yesterday Not So Good

First of all, does anyone want to do the SGD with me? It would really help if I had a buddy to do it with. Right now it's just me fighting an uphill battle and I need some support. If so please let me know. We could start like Thursday or Tomorrow even. Please Buddy up with me?!

Yea so basically Monday sucked I was doing sooooo good and then of course I had to watch SuperSize me for class and instead of depressing me it made me want McDonalds (fuck!) and so I went and ate toooo much! Gdamit! (srry for the profanities). Also, my friend has taken it upon herself to make me eat lunch and dinner with her and if I try to say I have something to do she just gets pissed off and takes me with her. So I gotta work on that.......Tips?

I hate these days when I just feel fat and I feel people staring at me. I need to get motivated except the only time that I truly feel motivated is after I eat which is cheating, no matter what I eat. Let's get itttttt. SGD gonna start on Thursday! Really gonna do it! Please let me know it you want to do it. Txt me or email me.

Thinspo for the Day

hugs and kisses

my momma told me when I was young we are all superstars

Ready for Tomorrow

Hello lovelies,

I have eaten all the bad food in my room and am preparing to throw out all the rest I am starting a new journey tomorrow. I'm calling it my journey to 140, well 140 for now...lol. But the first step is I am going to attemp SGD over the next 30 days and hopefull lose some serious weight. I keep failing and I need to get back on track. I need to not feel the need to eat at least three times a day. I need to be serious and give up on food. It's just making me fatter. What kind of friendship is that? Well, tomorrow is day 1 so that means 400 calories. I hope I can do this. It says to eat as many vegetables and fruit without counting calories but I might set a limit on that too. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I hope you all are doing great and please if someone needs a texting buddy text me because it really helps me keep going strong.

Night!

Thinspo for the Day

hugs and kisses

Quickly

Just a quick update girls. I have had a crazy course load right now so I am just trying to get that done. I'll probably post on Sunday or Monday!

Night!
Hugs and Kisses!

Good Morning Skinnys!

It's 8:30am and I'm sitting here at my desk eating high fiber cereal to start off my day. Yesterday was bad as I went off the wagon and ate anything I wanted but today should be better [insert optimism here]. Right now I'm trying to not eat a lot but also eat multiple times throughout the day because I heard that keeps your metabolism up and running!

So I have two possible plans for today.
Plan 1 (585):
Breakfast - 1/2 cup High Fiber Cereal (90)
Lunch - Chicken Stir Fry (137)
Dinner - Chicken Stir Fry (137)
Snack 1 - Apple (95)
Snack 2 - Quaker Rice Cakes (90)
Snack 3 - Carrot Slices and Cucumber Slices (37)

Plan 2 (623):

Breakfast - 1/2 cup High Fiber Cereal (90)
Lunch - Quaker Rice Cakes (90)
Dinner - Pasta (262)
Snack 1 - Apple (95)
Snack 2 - Fruit Leather (50)
Snack 3 - Carrot Slices and Cucumber Slices (37)

Well I have class now but I'll edit and update you all lovelies later! And I'll put the thinspo up when I get a chance.

 Thinspo for the Day

hugs and kisses

I Swear I'm Alive!

Hey loves,

So to put things simply, Mono lead to me being behind in school, which led to me having to catch up in limited time, which led to spring break, which always equals massive quantities of food, which lead to my huge weight gain and depressed feelings and all of this equaled my not posting on here. I am sorry. I will do better. Plz don't ignore me now! =(

I really don't want to tell you all how much I weight but I know that if I do, it will help me to hold myself accountable. Here's the number:
220.8lbs

I remember when I was 206 and felt so goo about myself! I hate this I'm just having so much trouble making myself ween off food. Please anyone email me or text me and help me out. Keep me going. I need to get to 140 by the beginning of the school year.

I hope you all are doing good in your journeys. I'm going to catch up on as many blogs as I can right now!

Thinspo for the Day

hugs and kisses

Only 2 1/2 more hours

Well I sat down today and outlined the next 26 weeks of my life. It's gonna be hell. I know it will be. And yet, I'm still ready to push through it. I'm putting up new tabs at the top of my blog so you guys know what I'm up to and how it's going to go down.

To put it simply, I think my appetite has decreased monumentally since I've had mono. For my last meal tonight I got thai fried rice and egg rolls. I couldn't eat even half of the rice and ate only 1 1/2 of the egg rolls. Previously, I could eat the whole order of both fried rice and egg rolls. I knew that this was going to be my last meal to I forced myself to eat the whole thing even though I was already so full. I sucked but I know I'll be happy I did it in a week, month, and longer from now.

The only thing I'm truly worried about is the sheer ammount of food I have in my room right now. I have cookies, triscuits, popcorn, trailmix, soup, peanut butter, mini bagels, redvines, chocolate, ice cream, and a 12 pack of sierra mist. I can't just throw it away because morally that would feel wrong but I know eventually I will have to get rid of it as the urge will become too strong. Basically, I need to make it past the first 5 days and hopefully I'll be in the clear. I'm aiming to lose 3.2 pounds a week and in December I lost 6 pounds in one weeks so I hope I can handle this. The key for me is to not go to the cafeteria and binge. Also, diving is over now so as far as having to eat with my team I'm free. I may have to battle through a few random dinners with friends but I'll just fast during the day and then eat a little bit during the meal.

I just need to stay motivated! I want to reach 140 pounds more than anything right now and I need to by August 24th, my birthday is the 25th.

Thinspo for the Day

To everyone, let's keep each other strong,

xxxx

Good Morning!!!! =)

I'm in a good mood this morning. I'm starting to restrict again on Wednesday and I'm relieved, excited, and nervous. I haven't restricted in so long so I'm worried that I may not be able to do it as well as I did before but I'm still gonna try just as hard! I hope all of you are still doing well and staying motivated!

In a sense, I have been lucky these past two weeks but also super unlucky! I got mono last week and don't get it cause it really really sucks, but on the bright side, my tonsils swelled up sooo big that I could barely eat anything. As a result I barely ate anything and lost about 5 or 6 pounds in a little over a week.

I just wanted to say how much I've missed you guys and that since I haven't been reading blogs lately I can't wait to get back in touch with all of you! Feel free to email me.

Also, I would like to make this point that THIS IS A PROANA blog! I know there are several people in the world who hate proana but I also know that there are people who do love ana and she guides them through life. So......don't leave rude comments on my blog. You may have written them in a way that you consider "complimentary" but underneath you were insulting what I believe in and what I support. That is the equivalent of inadvertantly making fun of someone's religion or other beliefs. So don't do it here. Thank you.

To the rest of you, I welcome your support and it means a lot to me! I love you all,
xxxx

Thinspo for the Day

I still have 20 days

Until I can be thin.
Until I can be beautiful.
Until I can start starving myself thin.
Until he will notice me.

I have been out of the loop. I haven't read your posts lately and I haven't posted either. Reading about your successes and losses just makes me feel worse. I want success and I want all of your support when I fail but instead I can't until stupid diving is over. My self esteem has been shot down beyond belief lately. I just want to starve and cry to gain some kind of control but I can't start getting weird looks from my friends now when I don't even deserve those looks.

I'm failing.
What if I'm never thin?
I need it more than anything.
More than my worst addiction - Food.

I wish more than anything that I could just cut my food intake and lose this weight. I feel so fat when I walk, talk, sit, breath, dive, dance, and just move. This other night I had a dream about this guy on the swim team that I think is super hot and I woke up all happy until I realized that eventhough I'm single and he's single he would never even hook up with me. As long as I look like this I will have no confidence and until I have confidence there's no way I will get him. So, instead I will have to sit by and watch as he goes after other girls and hope that there's someone out there who enjoys huge disgusting girls.

In case you all couldn't tell I'm very down on myself right now. It's bad, I'm feeling depressed but at the same time I just want to keep this feeling. I want to keep having bad dreams that wake my up crying and I want to just curl up in a ball and cry for days. But I can do neither of those as I can't control my self-concious and I'm too fat to curl up in a ball. So screw me, screw my life, it sucks.

Maybe you guys are doing much better but I don't know if I can stand to read your posts right now when all I want is to starve and I need the calories to dive. Right now, the urge to binge is equivalent to my urge to starve. That's ironic.

Starve for me,
xxxx

Bad Night

Let me just say that last night should have been great. I went to my first college frat party (I know I'm lame for not partying more) at USC and it should have been fun. I should have drank (or at least wanted to), I should have danced with guys, and I should have had a great time. Instead, my being fat ruined it for me. Noone wants to dance with the fat girl or get her a drink or anything.

I went with my two diver friends, the pretty and hot and skinny girls, and they got all the attention. I'll let you know first how the first party of the year went. We went to a school dance (notoriously known for having a lot of drunk and crazy people) and not even 2minutes in two guys were grinding on them and I was awkwardly still in the circle dancing by myself. This went on for at least an hour and by the end I just wanted to cry about how no one wanted to dance with me and I is probably because I was so fat. So, back to last night, the same thing happened. We get there and the guy one of my friends is friends with comes up with two cup and says, "I could only get two drinks" and then hands them to them, and tells me there's more at the bar. That was kind of a slap in the face, why would she be more likely to get the drink instead of me? Because I'm disgustingly fat. Gross! And then of course we ended up in the same stupid circle with two guys grinding on them and me just bobbing to the music. In case you haven't experienced this before, it sucks. I hated it and I just wanted some guy, even a loser/creeper, to grind on me - it's gotten that bad recently. So the party sucked according to my friends (I had nothing to gauge it against) and afterward, as we were walking the long way back to the car, this group of creepish black guys were just standing together blocking the sidewalk. I was in the back of our "line" as we were walking along and they started trying to hit on us, mainly me. So yes, I get hit on but only A. sometimes and B. by creepy black guys who have nothing better to do. My friends made me keep walking which is definetly the right thing to do but somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to go back and talk to them and hang out with them because as creepish as they might be, it felt good to be wanted when they weren't wanted more....

Anyways, enough of the rant. It's just I can't tell my friends because they'll think I'm stupid and that I have no reason to have such a low self-esteem. And all of you, as beautiful as you are even at 110 or 120 or 130 or more, you understand how I feel probably and it's comforting.

I decided to tell you my top 10 greatest food "addictions" - 1 being the worst - are and If any of you have tips to break this addiction PLEASE let me know! I need all the help you can give. Don't read if you have bad binge triggers!

1. Onion Rings
2. French Fries
3. Ice Cream
4. Hamburgers/Cheeseburgers (best with bacon)
5. Cookies
6. Pie
7. Milkshakes
8. My mother's popcorn
9. Wheat Thins
10. Chipotle Burritos or Qdoba Nachos

Trigger Part Over!
Well that was like the longest post ever! I apologize but if your read all the way through, Thank You. It means a lot.

Also, I promise I will comment more on your blogs. I've just been reading from like the 11th and trying to catch up on all the crazy stuff you all have been up to! But I'm catching up on most of them. If you want me to read yours just leave me a comment. Also I've put in a little box in the sidebar with my email and phone if you ever need help or just want another friend to talk to. I have At&t in the US and I have unlimited txting.

Thinspo for the Day

Stay Lovley

xxxx

I'm afaid I will lose weight and not be pretty enough. Not necessarily to others, but I'm afraid the mirror will tell me these things and I will believe it. I promised myself I wouldn't strive to have my bones show, but what if that's the only way I can lose enough weight?

Meet Day!

This has to be a quick post as I'm supposed to be eating breakfast with my friend =(. But anyways, today I have another dive meet! I'm really nervous actually and I kind of don't want to compete 3M but I also don't really have a choice so I might as well suck it up.

Now, here's what I have figured out so far. As long as my body obeys me, If I lose 4lbs a week between February 23rd and the end of August I could still be looking at my goal weight of 130-140 by the beginning of school. The only thing is that I'll be home for 3months during that time and my mother's not stupid so she'll probably notice I'm not eating right. So I'll have to figure something out for that.......I just need to lose this weight.

As of right now I'm mainly trying to eat better, healthier, and not end up at 2000+ calories a day. (A nightmare!) However, the good thing is that I exercise everyday for diving. Want a challenge? Do my diving ab workout from yesterday.
- 50 crunches
- 40 pike ups (hold legs together and make a V with your body and touch your toes)
- 1minute bridge/plank
- 1minute leg hold (about 6 inches off the ground)
- 50 russains (sitting with legs up and then rotate and touch the ground on both sides of your hips touching each side counts as one)
- 20 sit-ups
Then do all of that 5 times! Ick! Worst workout ever.

Thinspo for the Day

I hope everyone's staying thinspired and empty today.

xxxx

Punishment Probably Awaits

All I can say is that I am a horrible person. I HATE myself right now and my friends aren't helping me at all. Last time I told you that Tuesday marked the beginning of GM and no more eating out. Then, they conveniently decide Monday night that we should all go to In-N-Out for lunch on Tuesday. When I said I didn't want to they guilt tripped me into going! So I couldn't start GM because it would be vegetable day today and In-N-Out doesn't have vegetables. Damn!

Other than that I have failed in the weight category. The fact that I was 207 a little more than a month ago seems unreal and my weight now just seems pitiful. I want to blame my coaches and my diving friends since I had to come back early and eat with them and eat out with them. But it must also be my fault. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever go over 215 again and I've failed horribly at that too! I am now 218.4 I am devastated and depressed to report. I haven't been this high since September or October!

I know that recently I have totally sucked at posting but hopefully unless some unknown things occur I should be posting daily again. Trying to get this weight thing right. I think I should aim for 1,000 again like I did originally and then go down to 800, then 500, and then hopefully 400. I will say though that dive/swim season ends on the 22nd of February and after that I will be able to do whatever I want (I hope). I'll just have school and friends to deal with. But I won't have to worry about eating lunch or having a snack before diving so that I have energy, I can just skip them.

Here's me and my diver friends. See how skinny they are and how fat I am? (I'm second to the right)

The girl on the left is my main thinspo.

If anyone's still following and you feel the need to give encouragement I welcome it so much! I need someone to kick me butt (maybe literally) back into shape. I need to suck it up and lose the weight!

Alrighty! Off to my first class of 2011 now! Wish my luck!

Thinspo for the Day

 

Love all you lovlies,
xxxx

Day - Who Knows

Just so you know. I'm doing bad but school starts Tuesday and with that we stop eating out, I diet, and I begin my journey to 135.

I know you've heard that before but this time I swear to you. I will try to do GM again starting Tuesday.

We will all be thin soon. Hugs and kisses!

Starting Tomorrow

Starting tomorrow I am going to attempt the GM diet. I Googled how to bake a potato in the microwave and I believe I have everything else I need.

Tomorrow is the fruit day so I will be eating fruit all day, possibly until I explode. The actual description of tomorrow:

"Day One: All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good."

Here's the link if anyone else wants to try it! General Motors Diet Good luck!

I've decided that it might be best to weight in only at the beginning and the end but we'll have to see how well I do on that one. It's only 7 days and right now, that seems like a short ammount of time but I know it's gonna be hard

Well, here we go!

Thinspo for the Day

Starve on Lovlies,
xxxx

Long Day

I don't do this actual dive

Today I ate. It was good. I'm hoping that this diet will work cold turkey starting Monday! Tomorrow I have a dive meet and I'm kind of nervous as to how that will go. I'm competing three meter for the first time every (an accomplishment because I am terrified of heights). Here's a picture of a 3meter diver. If you've ever been to a public pool, it's the "high dive" some of them have.

Anyways, I will be tired, cranky, and perhaps unhappy after tomorrow's meet so I may not post until the start of the diet Saturday. I'm thinking of doing either the sgd diet or the gm diet. I want to do the gm diet but I have no access to baked potatoes in the mornings. Suggestions?

Also, I am trying to read and catch up on your blogs. If you want me to read or just another supportive commenter leave me a comment and I'll read your blog.

Thinspo for the Day

Nighty Night Lovelies,
Stay Strong
xxxx

Suck it Up

Ok Lovlies,

I have had my bad days, my good days, my depressed days. I have had to literally pull my legs and body out of bed and then not have the energy to even go shopping for clothes. But I have decided I need to accept this, drink caffeine (jk...maybe), and get back in the swing of things. The hardest part about this is this swim/dive team "swim camp" for 2 weeks. I was so excited to come back and fast and restrict but that's not how it turned out at all. My other two diver friends come get me to eat (all 3 meals of the day) and then I'm around food and I eat more than I'm supposed to. They barely eat anything and they're the ones who wanted to go! Damn! It's killing me. But I'm still going to try. I'm going to give it this Sunday through the 16th and then hopefully keep going because swim camp ends on the 16th. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow and Saturday except that I have a dive meet on Saturday (This terrifies me because I'm supposed to be competing 3meter and I'm literally terrified of heights! Oh well, gotta do it for the coach) which means dinner and other assorted snacks being forced at me.

So I don't know if I'll post until Sunday but I will try. To be honest the reason I haven't been posting on top of my lack on energy is the fact that I only have to energy to sit and watch Bones. Great show, love it, and I'm watching all the episodes of every season but it takes up time. So I will attempt to post but no promises. =)

Hope everyone is starving to the brink of invisibility,
Night xxxx

Hey Guys and Gals

The day doesn't matter right now, and to be completely honest the weight matters but I literally cannot wrap my mind around so many things now so my weight problems are taking a backseat for not too long but a little bit. I will catch you all up. I spent a good 5-8hours with police and in the hospital today filing charges against my boyfriend. Now I'm just shaken up, upset, and very annoyed. So, yes, I have eaten, and no, it hasn't made me feel better. Tomorrow I'm going to go try to replace the clothes the police took from me for evidence. I don't want to go shop because that's supposed to serve as some of my rewards but they took my only pair of "fat" pants and I have a strange feeling I will need them again.

Right now, to be honest I just want to sleep and sleep and not wake up for at least 24 hours. But I can't because I have stupid diving and I have a dive meet this weekend. I don't know what to do or what excuse to give my coach tomorrow about why I missed practice today (while in the hospital).

Any comments, anything, would be appreciated. I just feel really alone right now and have no clue what to do with myself.

Thinspo for the Day

Hope everyone else is starving themselves thin. Night night.
xxxx

Worst Day. No Exaggerations.

I can honestly say that today has been the absolute worst day of my life. My boyfriend basically sexually assaulted/maybe raped me tonight. That's all that I can say. I needed to tell someone. Other than that. I am fat. I ham huge. Every part of me is too big. My diet commences tomorrow again. I need to lose this weight. I hate myself.

Sorry the post is short.
Night.