Long Post/Trying to Get Back in the Groove

Day 1

I thought today and this break back at school was going to be easy. Instead, I have learned that until next Monday, it's going to be hard. Basically, the cafeterias on campus aren't open until Monday so I have been give $80 to eat off campus until then. First, eating out is one of my greatest nemises. I binge, without a doubt. So, this could prove to be problematic! =) So far, I have consumed 567 calories and later today I will have burned 482 calories. I wish I could tell someone, "Don't take me out to eat, I don't want to eat, I need to hate food." But we all know none of us could get away with that! Oh well, I'll battle through and I will soon be back to 207 and then will continue down. I did buy cuties today and those only have 35calories each so that will be a good snack.

As I read other people's blogs I love hearing about their days and their stories and so I think I want to add that into my posts. So sorry guys! The posts are gonna get longer =).

To put it simply, I hate my boyfriend. He's a jerk to me and I know it. I hate it. We basically met online when I was 15 and have been together for like 3 1/2 years now. However, until June in 2009 I had never met him in person. And when I did all he wanted was to feel me up and try to have sex with me. (sorry if this is tmi guys) I didn't want to but I went along with it but we didn't have sex. Then I met him again in september last year and the same thing happened. This time I think technically we did have sex but he denies it. Instead he flipped out during and drove me back to the school I was visiting, kicked me out of the car, and essentially broke up with me. I was really lost clueless. Over the phone he told me he found my face unattractive and that we'd never last because I was too fat to hang out with him. =( Then a month and a half later we got back together. Ever since, he has been horrible. He never texts or calls me or even makes time to see me when I can. Is it just me or is this rude? If this is how all guys are please let me know. But it hurts everyday that he doesn't really care and it's worse that he tries to say he does care.

Now here's the real problem. He's 22 and he hasn't gone to college and he hasn't had a real job in the past 2 years. I personally am proud of my education and I work whenever possible. It means a lot to me that I don't end up poor later on in life because that's how my life has been so far. I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about him or tell my mother about him because of his lack of education and money. In the back of my mind I know I will never be with him much longer because I will not be able to live a productive life with him holding me back. So I've decided that at the end of the summer, when I am hopefully between 120 and 140 I will come back to school and come see him. I want him to see me at my most beautiful stage yet and make him want me more than he ever has before. And then after, I'll dump him. Wow, I didn't realize how bitchy that was until I wrote it but the way he's treated me all these years he deserves it.

I brought this up because yesterday when I got to LAX I had all these feelings thrown back into my face times 30. I saw this girl, about my height, but rail thin and wearing only a long, cute shirt and leggings. She was with the most attractive guy on my flight and they couldn't stop smiling at each other, talking, and kissing. I wanted to be her so bad. I couldn't stop staring at them. I couldn't help feeling like this is what a relationship is like. People in love and wanting to spend all of their time together. I know that my love life is no where near that!

Inside I know that I refuse to dump him right now because he's the only person who seems to care (and he doesn't even care that much). He's the only guy that will accept me at this horribly high and disgusting weight! I only love him because he appears to put up with my body. It's so depressing, I want someone who loves my body and loves me completely. Against my better judgment, I told my boyfriend that I was restricting what I was eating a lot and instead of constantly making sure I was eating and all that he told me not to do that and then never thought about it again. I mean, how unimportant can I be? I don't know if I could seperate from him now because I have no guarantee that I'll ever find someone else who will care. If you comment please leave your opinion for me. Do you think I should just give up on him or give him a 15th try (the actual number it would be)?

Ok. I'm done boring you. =) I have diving soon so I will talk to you all later.

Thinspo for the Day

Stay strong!
xxxx

I'm Back!!!!

Day 0 - We're starting the counting over again

So, I'm back from my Christmas hiatus. I just got back to school today for diving preseason. My plan (If I can wake up in the mornings and make myself do it) is to get an hour of working out in in the mornings. Then I hope to eat 400-800calories per day. I will try to split it between a pre-dive practice snack and a dinner with my teammates (that I can't avoid).

I don't actually know if anyone's still following. I only got one comment on my blog so I don't know how that went over? At school so far I can't tell but it seems that I don't have a roommate. I don't know if this is good yet because that either means I can be sneaky about eating or I can binge. I hope it's the former and not the latter.

I hope everyone survive the holidays and came out with your heads held high. I ate and ate and ate more and more. However, when I weighed myself a few days ago I was only 211.4 a score for a person who thought they'd be hovering around 220. Then, after eating more, a couple days after the previous weigh in I weighed in at 210.0 I don't understand what's going on! Any insight?

Well, diet starts tomorrow and I will go until I reach my ideal weight. I have to accept that people slip up and trip and sometimes fall but that I shouldn't let food pick me up. I need to pick myself up without the help of food.

Thinspo for the Day

Happy almost New Years Lovelies! And let's stay strong through it!

xxxx

Blog in Vlog Form

Day 16

So I decided to do a vlog today just to catch everyone up on what's going on with me in "first person." Sorry if the picture's really bad and the sound doesn't totally match up with my mouth but it's because I did it on my webcam. Let me know what you think! My weight today, in case anyone wants to know, was 208.6. I know big number but watch the blog and I explain it.

Hope eveyone's staying thinspired!

Here's my thinspo and then my vlog!

Thinspo for the Day

Vlog

Stay Lovely Lovelies!

xxxx

Bad Day

Day 14

I think in my mind since I have stopped fasting I can do whatever. However, this is not true. There are still rules and I just don't get that. So today was bad again. I ate my PBJ (skipped breakfast), had 1 Amy's black bean enchilada meal, and then proceeded to eat fries and ice cream. So I'm guessing I came in at about 905 calories. Damn!

So I'm being proactive and I'm taking charge of my body to show myself that I need to take control. So starting at 6:00 tonight and going until 6:00tomorrow I am doing a 24 hour fast. Then I will eat a PBJ in order to give myself energy for my final. Then I will fast again for 24 - 26 hours and then have dinner with my birthmother. I still have a shot, a very slim one, but still a shot at being 207 or better yet 205 by Friday morning. I noticed this morning that I could put my size 19 jeans on without unbuttoning them. Why is that not enough inspiration for me?!

Well, here's your thinspo. Also, I was feeling inspired today and thought I would post one of my favorite poems. It sums up my life especially when I feel beat down after I binge!

Thinspo for the Day

Still I Rise

 

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Maya Angelou 

 

Stay Strong Lovelies!

Yes Yes Yes!

Day 13

Guess How much I am today?! Guess! Guess! Guess!

206.0

If you can't tell I'm in a really good mood about this. I did a what was supposed to be a 24-36hour fast and all I broke down and had was a popsicle at the 25hour mark. (But I already told you that last night). I didn't know what was going to happen, I thought I'd at least lose a little but not 1.6lbs! That's so great! I added it to my official weigh in log and noticed that I lost exactly 6lbs in 1 week. Wow! If I could keep that up until next week (except I'll be home) then I would be below 200 by the end of this year.

That's still my goal though. To make it below 200 by the 1st of this year. Get a new lowest weight and a new year all wrapped into one! Wish me luck!

So today, tuesday, and wednesday are going to be between 500 and 800 so that I have enough energy to do my finals and so I can get rid of my frozen foods. Here's my plan for today:

Breakfast:
1 Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120

Lunch:
1 PBJ (on Sara Lee's 45calorie bread) - 252

Dinner:
1 Lean Cuisine Cheese Ravioli Meal - 220

Total - 592
Gah! That number seems high! But I can't freak out about it.

Thinspo for the Day

Alrighty. Stay Lovely Lovelies!
xxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I am depressed. It's like as soon as I make progress, significant progress this time I screw it up. In case you can't guess. I binged. And not as bad as sometimes but still like a fucking crazy person! I ate fries, a slice of pizza, and the crunch edges of my friend's cookie (at least I didn't eat the whole thing).

I went in to today with the most positive outlook. I ate the yogurt, the sandwich, and the ravioli as I told myself I couldn't fast for another 24hours. Like I've said before my will bends at night and even more when I'm at work. Then I give in and I try to make my giving in better and ust have fries but then I just keep going back and then eating other people's scraps

As I'm sitting here I can just feel the food sitting in me. I have to swallow it down each time I swallow. (Sorry if TMI) I just wanna purge it and get it out but people would know.

Well after this wonderful 1.6lbs loss, I'm proably going to have a nice 2lb gain tomorrow.
Damn! Oh well, I deserve it!

Hope everyone else did better than me!

Someone Must Love Me

Day 12

I am convinced that there's gotta be some magical power helping me along. Today I was...

207.6

I didn't gain, I didn't lose. I wouldn't even say I plateaued. For some reason my huge binge didn't make me gain. THANK YOU! I was preparing myself for about a 1-2lbs gain. Guess not.

On a different note. Finals start tomorrow and I have one everyday until I go home friday morning. ick. So I need to log myself off Blogger, not comment on your blogs, and not search for Thinspo for the next 8-9 hours at least. I can do it! Lol. It's like trying to make myself not go on facebook. It rarely works =).

I can't tell you what the plan is today, I need to eat more frozen food this week before xmas break because I have to defrost my refrigerator. oops. I may start offering food to people. It'll help me not binge in the long run I'm sure.

How is everyone else? Any horror stories for the day? Also, has anyone seen Black Swan or For Colored Girls because I want to and I want a synopsis. I've seen most of For Colored Girls but the bootleg (lol) copy cut off the end. I also want to know how scary Black Swan is and what the actually scary part is.

Anyways, logging off now! Ciao Lovlies!

Thinspo for the Day

 ~~UPDATE~~

So I completed another 24 hour fast but only lost .6lbs this time. >=//

Maybe by tomorrow morning it'll go down more. Right now I am having a Dreyer's Strawberry Fruit Bar and that is it for my intake for the day.  I am 207.0 But I'll wait until tomorrow morning to officially give you all my current weight. That is all for the night!

Hope everyone did well today and does better tomorrow!!!
xxxx

Good Loss = Bad Reward

Day 12

Fuck me. *sorry for the language*

The good news is I woke up and I weighed 207.6 - Just 0.6lbs from my goal for next Friday. I planned out my meal for the day and planned to stick to it.

However, I then went to study in the only good study area on campus, the Cooler - the same place I work. I thought I reasonable to have a BLT instead of my frozen meal for dinner tonight. Which, in retrospect was a good idea. Nevertheless, the BLT turned into a BLT + a slice of chocolate mousse tart (I don't even know the calories) + 1 small scoop of nutella ice cream. Damn!

Now I am looking at 23 hours more of a 24 hour fast that I plan to do until tomorrow at 3. Then, I will eat dinner tomorrow night, most likely a frozen meal.

Things that today has taught me:
- I really cannot go anywhere near the Cooler unless required to
- I must stay in my room studying or sleeping in order to avoid food
- I will be home in 1 week where I can do whatever I want without being in places where they cook burgers, BLTs, and Grilled Cheeses whenever you want them

notquiteana says that If I don't screw up (Whoops. Cause I did just that already today) I could be staring down at the 100s by the end of this year! God I hope so! That would be truly amazing.

Well, wish me luck and I hope that I can stay strong through the next 23 hours.

Thinspo for the Day

Keep the Power, Will Power that is Lovlies,

xxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I can't tell you what I've eaten today. It would be too depressing. I can't. I know tomorrow I will be 210 or more. Hopefully not but most likely.

I HATE MYSELF

I know that fat is not cute and that thin is all I desire but why can't I make my actions show this? I'm fucking up my life and I can't stop. I even screwed up my 24 hour fast. I think I'll just give up on it.

FML. Ana just needs to support me. I need to feel her reach over and pull me back up when I stumble, trip, and fall and I need her to grab me before I go overboard.

Let's hope the scale has a little bit of compassion tomorrow.
xxxxxx

Help!

Still Day 11

Someone Help! I have a question. If I haven't eaten since 6:15 last night does that make these 25 1/2 hours a fast? Also, If I just checked the scale and now it says 208.8 is that real? Is it lying to me? Usually it doesn't but I don't know. It also said I'm a whole .5% lower in body fat. Oh I'm so confused! I never fast so I don't know how to handle this random weight loss.

Anyways, I planned breakfast and the popsicle but I kept putting it off telling myself I'd eat it later. So I'm down to my Healthy Choice Orange Zest Chicken Meal. I'm just going to eat the whole time or whatever part of it I want to since I haven't eaten anything else today. Well I'm going to write the 208.8lbs down and the 45.0% B.F.% and then see how tomorrow morning on the scale goes.

I noticed this morning that originally I was super excited to get up in the mornings and weigh myself. But this morning I literally had to drag myself out of bed just to get myself to weigh and like I knew it was bad. t's crazy how you can gain such a hatred for an inanimate object. Oh well. Well hoping for the 209s or 208s tomorrow! Wish me luck! If this 208.8 is real I may instate another 24 hour fast on Sunday so that I have a better chance of reaching 207, but maybe even 205 =)

6 Days Left! =//

Day 11

So that binge yesterday definitely showed up today in full form. I'm back up .6lbs. So I am at 210.2lbs. Damn! Which is equal to exactly what I should have lost in one day. So since tomorrow was about 900-1,00 calories, I'm going for sub-400 today. I hope that shocks my metabolism enough. It would be great to just lose 1lb by tomorrow but hopefully at least .6lbs will be gone. I NEED to be below 210 by tomorrow.

It looks like it's impossible to reach 205 by next Friday. So, I'm going to aim for 207 now. Which means losing .4lbs each day. Please no plateaus. That would just kill me.

Here's the Plan for today:
Brunch
1 Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120

Dinner
1/2 Healthy Choice Orange Zest Chicken Meal - 150

Snacks
2 Advent Calendar Chocolates - 14
1 Dreyer's Strawberry Fruit Bar - 80

Total: 364

I must lose by tomorrow. If not I will try to fast on Saturday or at least do a juice fast. As we all know though, I suck at fasting so we'll see how that goes.

Thinspo for the Day

 You get two today because I couldn't decide. Which one's your favorite?

Stay Thin and If Not Get There,
xxxxxxxx

No No No

Day 10

Plateau. Hit one. Hate it. Must get past it. I have to be down 4.6 lbs in at least 1 week from tomorrow. I have to.

I can't give a meal plan today as I'm with my birthmother which always leads to surprises. What I do know is I'm taking one of my yogurts and planning on a frozen meal for dinner. But basically I'm going to try to fast so that I can change plans quickly. Unlike the oatmeal yesterday where I got dragged to breakfast after I'd already eat my breakfast. Oh well.

I can't tell anyone this but I've decided that all I truly want for Christmas is to be out of the 200s and just a little bit more willpower. =) I mean, who doesn't? What do you want for Christmas? Ana related or not.

Have a good day lovelies. And stay strong as I know I have to today regardless of my birthmother and my plateau. If this plateau continues past 2 or 3 days though, then I'm going to have to get serious.

Thinspo for the Day

xxxxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I know it's technically Friday but I need to rant about Thursday. I binged. Bad. My birthmother got to me and we went to the most greasy burger place in the city. It was so good but so sinful the whole time. I was able to get a diet coke and then only eat half of my GIANT burger when she at her whole one. Luckily I stopped other wise it would have been much worse.  I just want to get to 205 by next friday and that's going to be hard. Especially accounting for the exta weight I know I'm going to gain from today.

*sigh* I really can't complain. I did it to myself.

Night Lovelies. Tomorrow will be better.

GW1 Reached!

Dayy 10

So I woke up, and I'm 209.6! Yessss! Now I have officially reached GW1 and can try for 205 or maybe even 203 by xmas break - next friday, the 17th. I want it so bad! I can taste it! And luckily, I don't know of any possible binge times until next thursday and by then I already hope to be too close to screw it up.

I've calculated it and if I lose at a steady rate (but when does that acutually happen =)?) of.8 or more each day I could be looking at 203 by next friday. Please Please Please??

Ok, So Here's the Plan For Today:
Breakfast:
Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120
6oz Oatmeal - 67
2tsp Brown Sugar - 35
1/2 Cup Watermellon - 20

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
1 Salmon Fillet - 127
Teriyaki Sauce - 30
Apple Slices - 57

Snacks:
Advent Calendar Chocolate - 7
Dreyer's Strawberry Fruit Bars - 80

Total: 486

I bought the popsicles on an impulse shopping trip and I probably shouldn't have but now I've got to eat them before xmas break! damn that's gonna be hard!

Thinspo for the Day

Well, wish me luck! I wish it to you all as well! Go forward and thin down! lol

xxxxxx

~~UPDATE~~
I didn't stick to the plan perfectly today. As you saw I had oatmeal on top of my yogurt this morning but I skipped lunch instead. This was probably the hardest part of my day. I was sitting in my bed and litterally could feel my body pulling me to go and eat. I had to text not.quite.ana to keep me from eating. She told me to shower or sleep. But I knew that if I moved from my bed, left my room, or even go to the bathroom I wouldn't be able to hold myself back. So I lay down in bed and slept. I slept from 4 until 6:15. At one point I woke up and I had the worst hunger pains I've ever experienced but somehow I forced myself back to sleep.

So that was the #1 obstacle of the day. #2 was work tonight. I work at the cashier station in one of school's cafeteria/fast food restaurant called The Cooler. So for 4 1/2 hours I had to hand people hamburgers, BLTs, grilled cheeses, onion rings, fries, etc and when it was time for my 10minute break I ate the salmon and teriyaki I had planned for myself. Then, I got fries and at 22 of them and ate 2 of my friends onion rings. Damn! Well, I still kept my binge under 200 calories and so I ended up at 658 calories today. Not bad I guess but still.

I can't believe on Monday I thought I would never be able to take in so few calories in one day and survive but I am and I'm going to continue to!

Well there's the synopsis of my day.

Stay Strong Lovelies!
xxxx

Day 9

Day 9
I am in such a good mood right now!! I just weighed in this morning and I was 210.4! That means I lost 1.6lbs overnight? Wow! Of course I'm not counting it as reaching GW1 until I'm actually 210 or less - i.e. hopefully tomorrow.

Anyways,

The Plan Today is:
Breakfast:
Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120

Lunch:
1/2 Cup Cucumber - 8
1/2 Cup Grape Tomatoes - 16
1 Serving Campbell's Select Harvest Light Southwestern-Style Vegetable Soup - 50

Dinner:
1 Healthy Choice Tortellini Primavera Parmesan Meal - 230

Snacks:
Advent Calendar Chocolate - 7
Strawberry Fruit Leather - If Needed - 50

Total: 481


I feel like today will be good. I'm hoping I can have the same kind of restraint that I had yesterday and not binge and not put myself in situations where I would binge, like agreeing to go to the cafeteria with my friends for "snack time." That just screws me over =)

I'm just one step closer to my UGW. I can do this. I just need to stay on track and not step off no matter how good and tasty something looks!

Thinspo for the day

Stay Strong!

~~UPDATE~~
So today went well until dinner. We dove early and I couldn't get a ride up the hill so I ate in the cafeteria with my friends. Originally I was going to be fine and I ate a BLT and apple slices. Putting me at 515 for the day which wasn't bad. But then I binged and I binged bad. I ate 1/2 of peppermint ice cream and a oatmeal rasin cookie.

Now, I have ended the day at 755 calories! I shouldn't be complaining. That's still one of the better days I've had and I worked out enough today that that'll help. So hopefully I will be looking at a large loss tomorrow!

Fingers Crossed!

I hope everyone else was able to stay strong!

2lbs to GW1!!!

I woke up, went to the bathroom, stepped on the scale and I made it all the way down to 212.0!!! Yea!! I was so excited and worried because I broke my fast last night. But I'm ok because I lost so much! That's like 1.2lbs in one day! I love when hard work pays off.

Well here's the plan for the day:
Breakfast:
1 Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120

Lunch:
1/2 Cucumber Slices - 8
1/4 Cup Grape Tomatoes - 8
1 Cup Soup (Whatever is in the cafeteria) ~100

Dinner:
3/4 BLT on Wheat Bread - 194

Pre-Diving Snack:
1 Strawberry Fruit Leather - 50

Other Snack:
Advent Calendar Chocolate - 7

Today should be good. I planned out the meals this morning I just hope the soup is good and I don't have to improvise on the spot because that's where I screw up =//

I'm so not looking forward to finals next week! I cannot believe I am almost done with my first semester of college. I have to rock all my finals so that hopefully I can get at least a 2.5-3.0 this semester. Then next year, I promise I will kick butt in all my classes. In all reality, diving's the only thing getting in my way of great grades. But I love it. And honestly, without it, I wouldn't exercise at all really So I gotta stick it out. I bought like a ton of frozen meals and fruit pops so that I can avoid the cafeteria as much as possible! So, I can't wait to start in on those tomorrow. If I like them a lot I'll buy them while I'm home and live off soup, frozen meals, and yogurt for the whole time I'm home =)

How's everyone else doing today? Any big successes? Any binges =(? Loss? Gain? I've experienced it all so don't be embarrassed. You'll get back on track!

~~UPDATE~~
So far so good. The soup they had ended up being Puree of Black Bean Soup which was really good. It ended up having 111 calories which was really good and I had two saltines with it - I know, not planned!

So the total so far today is 272! Wow this is the best its ever been at this time of the day! I also decided not to have the fruit leather because it turns out we didn't actually go to diving today. lame. Thats 200+ calories I didn't get to burn today. So I've decided that for dinner I will have either salmon and apple slices or salmon and rice. If I have the salmon and rice my daily breakdown will be: 19% fat, 39% carbs, 41% protein. Wow that's a lot of protein! With what I have eaten so far and the salmon and rice I should be at 594 calories today. Much better than any day so far.

So we'll see what I decide on. Either way I'm going to try to eat it very slowly and think about what I'm eating. How is everyone else's day going?

Thinspo for the day:

~~UPDATE~~
Ok. It's the last update for the night. Today went very well. Better than I would have thought. I ended up at 493.

Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt - 120
1/2 Cup Cucumber - 8
1/4 Cup Grape Tomatoes - 8
2 Saltines - 26
1 Cup Black Bean Soup - 111
1 Cup Sliced Apples - 57
1 Salmon Fillet - 127
2 TBSP Teriyaki Sauce - 30
1 Advent Calendar Chocolate - 7
Total: 493

With exercise and BMR, Net Calories = -1,859

I better be lower than 212 tomorrow!

Night and Stay Strong Girls!

Making up For Yesterday

So, I woke up and checked the scale. It said 213.2 which really shouldn't make me too upset as I screwed myself over yesterday. And as I said yesterday, today is a 24-40 hour water and juice fast. I want to make up for yesterday and so I'm hoping for a maximum of 211 tomorrow for my "official" weigh-in.

How's everyone else doing? Are the pounds coming off prior to the xmas and finals rush. I so hope I don't binge like a crazy woman the whole time. Although, last time I was home, I practiced restraint really well so I hope that continues this time I'm home. The two days I know I'll binge on are Christmas and Christmas eve. So I'll have to add two days of really good restricting in too.

I don't really have anything else to say today, unlike my usual posts which are super long! Hope everyone has a good day and stays strong!!!

~~UPDATE~~
In my opinion I isn't give up today. I continued with my plan. And the plan lead me to fit into my GAP jeans I bought at the end of the summer that I hoped to fit into. Well.....they fit me today!!!! Yea!!!! Also, I bought size 16 pants today because the 18s were too big. I'm feeling very good about myself today. The goal is to make it to 205 by next friday! Let's see if I can make it!

Day 6

Hey, Sorry for no post yesterday. It was hectic with my dive meet and everything.

Yesterday was pretty good I believe. A few slip ups but overall very good. However, I spent the night at my birthmother's last night and ended up not having a scale this morning so I had no clue how much I weighed. Then, I did bad today =( That's the most I can tell you without feeling worse than I already do.

The result?

24 hour juice fast tomorrow. This will include at the most 1cup of Trop50 Orange Juice. If possible I'm going to try to continue until Monday around 3:45pm. If so, I will allow myself 1/2cup of Top50 for Monday. I hope I can do this! It would make me feel better. In the spring I completed a 10day Master Cleanse and was proud of myself. However, it was with one of my friends and without her I know I wouldn't have made it. It helps me to have someone/people there being supportive of me.

How's everyone else doing?

I will share with you though the good news that I got before I screwed it up with a binge. I got down to 212.6 (a loss of 2.8lbs) just between Monday and Friday. However, with that binge I probably screwed up all my hard work =( I gotta do it again! I gotta work harder. If I lose a pound a day next week (which my loss last week showed is almost possible) I can be under 210 by finals! I hope so I hope so I hope so!! Maybe the fast tomorrow will help!

Day 4

Hey Guys!

Ok, I'm excited because I did give in yesterday and binged but I sayed about about -750. I was worried I'd only lose like .2 lbs by today. But I got on the scale (3 times to make sure) and I came out at 213.8!!!! A whole other pound gone! So excited!! Anyways I gotta post quickly cause I'm going on a field trip but I just thought I'd fill everyone in.

---------
I'm embarrassed as to tell you about my day. It was not one of my best. I'm having a hard time and feeling depressed. Tomorrow will be better. It needs to be. I will cry if that scale doesn't go down tomorrow morning. Very sad.

Goodnite.
xxxxx

Day 3

Ok. Here we go. Day 3. So far, I am at 214.8. Which means I'm already down one pound from Monday. I'm very happy about this! =)

Here's my plan for the day:
Lunch:
1 Stoneyfield Raspberry Low-Fat Yogurt - 130
1 Cup Trop50 OJ - 56

Dinner:
1 Salmon Fillet (Grilled) - 127
1 Cup Sliced Apples - 57

Snack:
1 Advent Calendar Chocolate (Yum!) - 7

Ok. So today should be good as long as I stick to it. And with exercise I should end up at about -2,150. Yessss! Let's rock today! I know I can! I know it! I can feel it. I just can't break down and give in.

---------
I should let you all know that today is the definition of a binge day. My birthmother's in the hospital and I'm under so much stress and pressure. It's rlly hard to deal. I want to do well so bad but I also just wanna drown my feelings in French fries. I hate days like these. Just please everyone don't hate me if I fail today. I can't tell you how happy I'd be to keep my daily intake this low for once and I already did so well since monday, as far as the scale goes. I'm just super stressed.

Day 2...Sorta

I feel really accomplished right now. I mean, not as much as I want but still I have done better today than most days. I'll clue you guys in on what I'm talking about. It's already 1:30 and I've only had 443 calories. As compared to yesterday where by this time I'd had over 1000. eep! This morning I had a lot of fruit, and a english muffin with PB and banana. I felt great this morning when I put aside half the banana, the english muffin, the PB, and the other fruit and I only ate half of each. So far I have completed my task for the day. Getting rid of half of everything I eat. Then, for lunch I had 1/2 a PBJ (I know. More PB= not good) and a cup of apple slices. So once again I ate half of the main part of my meal! I felt so good.

Now the part of the day that just made me feel super good was when I refrained from screwing up my day. My friend was buying a cookie and I stood there staring and looking and craving a piece of pumpkin pie and pecan pie. She told me to get it and I snapped out of it, refused, and walked away quickly. It felt sooooo good. If I can keep making that kind of progress, thin has to come easily to me. Right?

~~UPDATE~~
I know someone out there must care about me. And I feel bad in letting that person down especially after such a great day! Damn! But I got carried away. Not even until dinner. I did really well and I got what I planned on getting but then it started going downhill after that. First there was the tortilla chip bar and the ice cream and the naked juice. Which when I add all of it up, it comes out at a 606 calorie binge. Which I will say is better than yesterday. Overall today I consumed 1,249 calories and burned around 3,058 calories. So I'm definitely negative. I just hope that counts. My net calorie consumption was -1,809 at the end of the day! Damn! Well, tomorrow will be better. So far I've also taken 2 multi-vitamins today. I know you're only supposed to take 1 but I really need to raise the iron in my blood by friday so I can donate blood. Also, Thursday and Friday are meet days. So Thursday I'm going to try to only eat a small lunch and then we have a team dinner where I will be required to eat. Friday, I'm going to try and eat as little as possible so as not to raise suspicions.

I never really though about this and I hope it's really true but I think I will be able to better restrict when I'm home. Not all days, not when we have tons of food, but for sure the other days. I may even be able to get away with fasting for a day, or more! I really wanna try fasting and I gotta find a way to fight back the Thanksgiving and Christmas pounds! grrrrrr!

All I know is those Hollister jeans will be mine. If you do read this plz don't give up on me cuz if so it'll probably just lead to me giving up on myself. Which I can't have happen!

Day 1 - Here We Go Again

So, basically today was a failure. I woke up checked the scale and expected between 217 and 220 pounds due to thanksgiving weekend. But no I was 215.8lbs. Which I will admit is better than what I thought I'd see but still not good enough. Secretly I was praying I was still 212. But I know I don't deserve it. Not after this weekend. Well I'm motivated. It's 8:30am and I have hunger pains but I'm going to get through it. I'm not gonna give in. 400-800 calories today!

~~UPDATE~~
This is not a good Update. It's a fail. Or more specifically a recap of the worst binge ever. I went to the cafeteria feeling confident that I could control what I ate and wouldn't screw up royally. So.....

I stuffed my face for 30minutes straight. I ate until I didn't want the food anymore and yet I kept shoveling (not an exageration of a word) in tons and tons of food. Here's the breakdown:

1 cup sliced apples - 57
.28oz baby carrots - 13
1 BLT on wheat bread - 258
1 scoop mocha almond fudge ice cream - 105
1 scoop nutella ice cream - 105
1 huge white chocolate chip and macadamian nut cookie - 280

Omg. That is 818 calories in one meal. Damn!!! I hate myself. However, the one thing I know for sure now is that I cannot go to the cafeteria for meals alone. Otherwise I WILL binge. I'm going to finish up today the way I had planned it regardless of how high my calorie intake is in the end. Then tomorrow I will get back in the mindset. It's all about the Thinspo. =) I know that thin HAS to taste better than any BLT, Burger, or any other food. I just haven't tasted thin yet but once I have, I'm sure I will agree with this statement.

Hope the rest of you are staying strong!!!
xxxxxxx

~~UPDATE~~
Well, I'm just wayyyy to embarrassed to post what was my overall calorie intake. However, I did end up at -687 overall so maybe that will count for something. My number 1 plan for tomorrow is to practice cutting everything up and only eating half at the most. That's my challenge cause I must say, that has got to be one of my biggest problems - eating the whole dish. No matter what! eek! At least I ended up at 7 glasses of water, only 2 cups away from my goal.

Here's the plan for tomorrow:
1 Raspberry Low Fat Stoneyfield Yogurt - 130

1 Cup Apple Slices - 57
1/2 PBJ - 189

1 Cup Grape Tomatoes - 32
1 Cup Cucumbers - 16
1 Cup Carrot Strips - 50
1/2 Vegetarian (Wheat Bread, Tomato, Lettuce, Onion) Sandwich - 113

Well goodnight all. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Thanks for the reminder not.quite.ana!

Day...I have no Clue...Maybe 0

So I have royally screwed up to put it nicely. I have done so bad in fact that I have even chosen to stop recording what I've eaten. However, This may have been a slip up since the 15 or 16th but starting tomorrow, the 28th, I'm getting back on track and restricting. I want to be thin so bad! I need it. I feel my bones yelling at me to let them through but my fat constantly fights back. It's like my fat = the devil and my bones = the angel and which one do you always listen to? =) Muffin or "I'm not hungry right now"? It's always always always the muffin!!! damn! So I need a clean start and that's why I've decided that today, Sunday, Is Day 0. So that tomorrow will be Day 1 i.e. the start-up again. I need to be at least 160 my the week after spring break so that I can go shopping with my friends like I've already told them. I think that hardest part is being alone at school trying to do this. I wish there was someone with me here so I didn't have to do this by myself. I need someone to keep my accountable.

I'm nervous though. I talked to my mom the other day and told her I was serious about losing weight. Something that she has never suspected...which I don't believe but whatever. Either way, she said she's behind me. Which will suck but also be good, I hope. Maybe she'll stop me from pigging out when I'm home. Does anyone ever feel like they're fighting a losing battle uphill and no matter how far you go up you just slide back up and the whole time you just want to give up and walk back down to the bottom, sit down, and give up? Because that's exactly how I feel right now. I just don't feel like it's going to happen for me and I don't want to accept that AT ALL!!! Sorry if this is a rant =)

I hate the feeling that my body gives me literally every minute of everyday. The only parts of my body that I actually like are my eyes and my two thumbnails. I know random but those are the only two parts that I like. I would be willing to swap out all the rest of my body parts for custom built ones. Why isn't life like Sims? lol. Oh well.

All I know is I'm fat. Fat. FAt. FAT. FATTTTTT!!!! It hangs everywhere, hides who I really am, and most likely repulses people.

I don't want to have to wait to go through a door because I'm too fat too fit with another person.
I want to be able to share a chair with my friend because I'm small enough.
I want to go into Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc without getting looks.
I want to not feel like I'm going to break chairs or beds when I sit on them.
I want my boyfriend to be able to pick me up and spin me around or...do other things...=)
I want other guys to want me.
I want to not fit into even one-piece swimsuits.
I want my family to look at me and say "wow, look what she did! she looks great."
- I want to smile happily when they say this.
I want to not lose energy so easily because I've been lugging around 200+ pounds.
I don't want to like men's shirts cuz they fit I want to like them cuz they're huge on me.
I want everyone to stop staring at me because I'm huge.
I NEVER want to look like my birthmother.
I don't want to feel depressed about my weight every minute of every day. I want to think of something else.
I don't want to feel like I could just carve off my stomach and be happy.

I want my bones to shine through - all over.

And I know that I can be all this. And I can be more than this. I just know I have to suck it up and dedicate myself to the process, as there's no other way to do it.

So.....after that rant =)
Here's the plan!
400-800 calories/day - except diving meet (or tuesday dryland) days then 800-1200 calories
9 cups of water/day
Apples over any bad foods
Watch, focus on, or look at other people around me/thinspo for at least 30mins a day
Walk briskly uphill to my dorm no matter how much it hurts or whether I'm panting. - It WILL get better
Say NO to foods I don't need - basically anything other than food planned for the day
If absolutely necessary to eat before working out don't overdo it, eat something filling without lots of calories

I hope I hope I hope I can do this. If anyone looks at this or reads this please please please comment It'll help me stay accountable if I have someone there.

Day 10

Ok. So I keep fucking up and not writing. Damn! That's one of my rules too. However, as I continue to skip days of writing, I continue to increase and increase and increase my daily intake. Grrrr! I can't even give you my breakdown as it physically would hurt to do so. Either way. I will kick back down to a lower gear starting sunday as I have commitments through saturday. I need to be tiny. I need to. I just need to find out how to do it and to do it so I don't binge like a crazy person!

Alright. That's it for today.

Day 8

9:53am

Well thank god! I’m back down to the weight I was last thursday. Which is good because that means the 212.0 was wrong or I managed to lose those 2lbs. Here’s the thing though. This one girl on whyeat.net says I should be eating more calories since I work out sooooo much but then this other girl on pretty thin says I should be eating 500calories/day max. grrrrrr. this is confusing. I mean it seems to make sense that when I binge to like 1500 calories I lose more weight that week than when I don’t but I’m already in the ana mindset and even seeing 1500 gives me a panic attack. any ideas?

~~UPDATE~~

Let’s talk about the worst fucking fail ever!!!! My monday in other words. So today was great except it sucked. It was great cuz I ate whatever I could fucking get my hands on but it sucked because as I watched the calories pile on top of each other I wanted to cry but it was like I couldn’t control myself anyways. I’ll give you the breakdown =(

Breakfast:

None – this was the only good part

Lunch:

1cup cucumber slices – 16

1cup grape tomatoes – 32

1 full serving of my made-to-order penne pasta – 447

1 coke zero – 0

1 chocolate chocolate chip cookie – 180

Snack:

12oz strawberry banana smoothie with yogurt and whipped cream – 165

9 cucumber sushi rolls – 180

1 white chocolate chip macadamian nut cookie – 210

1 full bar – 94

Dinner:

3oz salmon grilled – 127

1cup white rice – 242

1TBSp teriyaki sauce – 15

1cup apple slices – 57

1TBSP peanut butter creamy – 94

Exercise:

BMR – 1,802

Walking around campus – 202

Diving – 304

Total Calories Consumed: 1,940

Total Calories Burned: 2,308

Net Calories for the day: -368

Bad day. I’ve also decided I’m going to go back to weighing myself everyday. I can’t help it. It’s like the numbers are a form of addiction.

Day 7 – Sorry I didn’t write yesterday =/

Ok I know I’ve fucked up this weekend but I couldn’t post (my phone was being stupid and everything I wrote and posted got deleted so I gave up). So instead I’ll just summarize the weekend. Overall – minus today cuz today just sucked – I did really well. On friday I ended up only eating a little bit at the rehearsal dinner instead of inhaling everything in sight (it was buffet style). Then Saturday, I had two greek yogurts, some Trop50 oj, and 1/4cup of bear naked. Then for the dinner I mostly ate a lot. However, I ate all the salad stuff = accomlishment. I ate the veggies in my entree and left behind some of the tortellini = accomplishment. I barely ate any cake (they gave each of us 2 4-layer pieces of cake =o) = accomplishment. So it was good but I couldn’t figure out how many calories I took in.

Now for today. Today was a failure. Complete failure. For breakfast/lunch I had scrambled eggs on ciabatta bread, greek yogurt, trop50 OJ = 340 calories. Then for my second lunch (yes, SECOND LUNCH) I had 1 3/4 cheeseburgers from McDs and large fries = 1,121. And then for dinner I had 1/2 a cheeseburger at school and 11 onion rings. FML.

Total Calories = 2,044 =(

I haven’t weighed in all weekend (couldn’t find the scale) So I plan to weigh in tomorrow and go from there. I don’t know how that’s going to go at all though =/. I hope it goes well. I bought laxatives.

The one amazing thing that happend this weekend is that I bought new jeans. That may not sound awesome butttt……..

THEY’RE A SIZE SMALLER THAN THE ONLY JEANS I COULD FIT INTO FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!!! I’m soooo happy. I can finally fit into a size 17 and they’re comfortable too =) I’m sooo happy about this. But I didn’t want to tell my mom as I want her to be super surprised when I come home for xmas and I am a size 15 or hopefully size 13. BTW, I am only buying my jeans – until I reach size 11 or 9 – at JC Penny’s because I figure I don’t want to waste money every month and also I’m thinking of it as a reward for myself.

Alrighty, I’ll just put in the daily breakdown for this weekend and then go to bed:

Friday:

Total Calories Consumed: 835

Total Exercise Calories Burned: 2,353

Net Calories: -1,518

Saturday:

Total Calories Consumed: 436 + about 1,000

Total Exercise Calories Burned: 2,105

Net Calories: -669

Sunday:

Total Calories Consumed: 2,044

Total Exercise Calories Burned: 2,408

Net Calories: -364

Damn! - Day 5

Of course this would happen to me. I splurged yesterday because…..of course I couldn’t resist and checked my weight. Damn! Well as of yesterday I should have been around 210-210.6. But now, this morning, I’m 212.0. But here’s my reason for all of this. First of all yesterday’s weigh-in was after I had eaten, worked out, and drunken a ton of water. So it may have been a weird number. Now, as far as today’s number goes, I only got 2 1/2hrs of sleep as I had to be up around 3:00 to catch my flight home. So I don’t think my body really had time to readjust itself as I usually sleep 6-8hrs a night.

Now for today. So far, I have already fucked up and it’s only 5am. Smh. I ate two McDonald’s hashbrowns. At least I can admit that. I tend to be a solo eat in secret person who doesn’t want to admit what kind of crap they put in their body. Well I had my Greek yogurts to eat but the stupid TSA woman wouldn’t let me take them through so I ended up majorly hungry on the only options being McDs, Starbucks, or a sandwich place. I hate airports! =( I just hope this isn’t a sign for the rest of this weekend.

One foot in front of another, one fork down leads to another, and one pound gone can always be followed by another. I will not fail.

Day 4

11:21am

I’m pretty much in a good mood today because I got to register for my spring classes and got like all the ones I wanted! Yess! Other than that, on the food side, I’m doing ok so far. I substituted 1/4 banana for my usual cantaloupe today to mix it up I guess. Also, does anyone know if salmon’s bad for you? I don’t think it would be as there’s a lot of omega-3 in it and if I don’t eat a lot I should be fine. I’ve also decided that, even though it’s breaking a rule, I will weigh myself tomorrow to see where I am prior to going home – and hopefully not failing. I hope the scale shows something lower than 211.4. Even more hopefully 207-208. Please Please Please?

Day 3 (icky but better than yesterday)

11:17pm

Today went relatively well. Breakfast was the same as usual. Lunch, I ate all the veggies and I felt proud of myself and only got 1/2 of my sandwich (If I only have half, I’ll only eat half), and then I ruined it by also eating another greek yogurt for lunch. Which wouldn’t have been too bad if It wasn’t for dinner. I had my dinner planned out and I know I should have stuck to it, but I wanted salmon and rice. Good thing that I had to work right away and didn’t have time to get it right? NO. I sampled my friend’s leftovers and then proceeded to order my own on my work break. DAMN! Well, even with the screw ups today and a 40cal snack of high fiber cereal, I only ended up at 1,136 which is good because it’s lower than 1,200. Alrighty, here’s the breakdown for today:

Breakfast:

Vanilla Greek Yogurt – 120

Watermelon 1/4cup – 10

Cantaloupe 1/4cup – 7

Lunch:

Grape tomatoes 1/8pint – 8

Cucumber slices 1/3cup – 5

Carrot strips 1cup – 50

Sandwich 1/2 – 113

Vanilla greek yogurt – 120

Dinner:

Plain bagel – 190

Neufachatel cream cheese 2/3oz – 49

Salmon 3oz – 127

White rice (broke a rule) 1cup – 242

Snacks:

High fiber cereal 1/3cup – 40

Exercise:

BMR – 1,802

Walking on campus – 201

Running – 119

Weight lifting – 378

Pilates – 151

Diving – 303

Working – 785

Total Calories Consumed: 1,130

Total Exercise Burned: 3,739

Net Calories: -2,609

All this hard work BETTER show up on the scale on Monday!!

Day 2

8:56am.

Ok, first of all it sucks to be up this early. It just gives me that many more hours in the day to eat! damn. I had to be up for our 6am diving conditioning. It sucks. However, I did learn that lunges are the best exercise to eliminate my flabby hamstrings and that leg lifts and leg holds are the best for my lower belly roll =(. So, I guess I will start doing those friday-monday (days when I don’t have morning practice already).

So far I have had 269 calories for breakfast – more than yesterdays breakfast. But I have already burned at least 1,000calories so we’re doing good. Also, I almost caved this morning – twice – and weighed myself. I know I can’t do that though so I’m writing on here instead. If I look and I’ve gone up I will be pissed and eat in an attempt to feel better. But, if it’s less, I will feel really happy and think that because I’ve gone down it’ll be perfectly fine to eat more – THIS IS NOT TRUE. This weight thing is so hard and I’m only on the 2nd day? Damn! But I’m just gonna inch along slowly and I will get there. Afterall, it’s easier to trip if you’re running as opposed to walking right?

I.CAN.DO.THIS.

~~UPDATE~~
Ok. So I fucked up and snacked so I changed my dinner choice to make up for the problem. But now I’m at a swim team event that has two rlly large sheet cakes to support cancer! This sucks! Of course everyone will question me if I don’t eat the cake even if I give a legitimate reason. Damn! It’s like the world hates me. Prior to the cake, I will be at 1,185calories not counting my exercise for the day. But still, the cake is gonna kick me up above the 1,200 mark which is what I try to make my absolute max for the day. So either I deal with ridicule or I suck it up and hope my exercise does it’s job. I need to be down 3lbs by Monday. I NEED TO. However, the main problem is this weekend. As I will be home going to my cousin’s wedding. The perfect excuse to overeat and overeat a lot. But I’ve decided that no matter what I’m going to make sure I have my Greek yogurt and some other healthy low-cal food with me at ALL times. At the rehearsal dinner and the reception I will cut everything put in front of me into small pieces, drink lots of water in between each bite, and leave at least half the food on my plate. I refuse to chew and spit though. If I screw up at home, I could easily gain more than 3lbs by Monday instead of losing them.

~~UPDATE~~
Ok. Last update before bed. =) here’s where I ended up for the day:
Breakfast:
Watermelon 1/2cup – 10
Cantaloupe 1/2cup – 14
Strawberry banana Greek yogurt – 160
Tropicana OJ 6oz – 85

Lunch:
Usual sandwich – 226
Cucumber slices 1/3cup – 5
Carrot slices 1cup – 50
Grape tomato 1/8pint – 8

Dinner:
English Muffin 3/4 – 100
PB 1TBSP – 94
Grape Tomatoes 1/4pint – 16
Cucumber slices 1/4cup – 8
Xing mango green tea 1/2can – 30

Snacks (not all at once):
Humus 1/4cup – 70
Pita 1piece – 170
Orange cranberry muffin =( – 140
Vanilla cake w/frosting 1/4slice – 60

Exercise:
BMR – 1,802
Walking on campus – 201
Diving – 363
Morning Dryland – 1,083

Total Calories – 1,246 (46 over my max)
Total Exercise – 3,449
Net Calories – -2,203

Day 1 - Again

So I have started Day 1 again. I weighed in today too. I am the same as yesterday =( 211.4lbs. I guess that’s good after my red robin binge (eeww!) and my late-night snack. I hope it works a lot better this time (fingers crossed). So far – at 10:45am – I have had 171 calories for breakfast as people say skipping breakfast screws up your metabolism – right? Well I had a vanilla Chobani Greek Yogurt, about 1/3cup of watermelon, and 1/3cup of honeydew melon. That doesn’t sound too bad for breakfast and I was talking on the phone to my mom so I had to slow my eating down and really enjoy/think it. If I could find a way to slow down how much I eat, I think that would be highly beneficial.

Also, question. Does anyone know if apples and PB is a good “not too ana” meal? – Thanks!

~~UPDATE~~

So it is now 8:41pm Pacific time. I’m doing homework and going to watch GG. Today has been a great first day today and I want to see what the scale think SO BAD tomorrow morning, but I will refrain. So far my day has been good. Curse dinner though because that has got to be the one meal where either you binge or you look ana. Am I right? I had to have a humus snack pack thing and fruit and I still got people saying rude things. Fuck! Oh well. When I’m thin I can eat how they want me to (well sort of). Here’s my day break down:

Breakfast:

Vanilla Chobani Greek Yogurt – 120

Watermelon – 13

Honeydew Melon – 18

Lunch:

Sandwich (WW bread, humus, lettuce, tomato, onion) – 226

Dinner:

Sabra Humus Snack Pack w/Pretzels – 380

Fresh Fruit Salad – 100

Exercise:

Diving – 262

BMR – 1,802

Walking on Campus – 201

Total Food Calories – 857

Net Calories - -1.409

It felt so good to be empty and not all icked up with tons of fatty and greasy foods and it’ll feel better when I don’t have to do a jean dance to get size 7 Hollister jeans on. (YES!)

I need to be there! I need to. If I don’t reach this by summer I will die. Literally.

I’m going home to visit my family this weekend and after that I won’t be home until Dec 17 and If i’m good by then I should be down to 195. I want them to notice.

Fasting Day

Ok. Great News!!!

I checked the scale (yea, I know I caved) but I am 211.4lbs and my body fat% is 45.9!!! This is great for me as I started this week at 215.0lbs and about a 46.8BF%. I thought I would have gained a zillion pounds as this week I have been eating burgers and all the other gross crap =(!!! So far I’m 10hrs into my fast but I had to work until 3 this morning (without daylight savings time) ick!. But yea. I woke up hungry but ignored it and now it seems to have gone away for awhile. But now I’m going to clean my room which will hopefully burn some extra calories =). But then it’s all homework for the rest of the day. I just can’t get bored and want to eat while studying =/ that’s when I’m at my weakest – when I’m bored. Anyways, I will try to update during the day or whenever I’m hungry (so you may have to deal with a long post)

~~UPDATE~~

Today the fasting failed. I hope this isn’t a prelude to my diet. I told myself that today was my last day to have soda, onion rings, and a hamburger before I plunge into this diet for 6mos =// so I guess we’ll have to see if that screws things up. Hopefully the scale will show something good tomorrow! =) I’ve decided that eventhough it sucks, weighing myself once a week will be much more motivational than everyday because wen I saw 211.4lbs today it was way cooler than .2lbs everyday. I can do this. I WILL BE THIN.

Craving is just a feeling, like sadness, happiness, or pain. It goes away if you stop focusing all your energy on it.

The Point

I want to be this thin

I don’t really know exactly how blogging works or even if it will work. But I guess I’ll try. For any of you who haven’t already figured out what this is, this is a weight blog. About my life and about how sucky I feel and hopefully at least someone or some of you will support me. I’m 18 and in college and ever since I moved in 7th grade I have been constantly putting these nice pudgy fat rolls all over my body. Everyday I get depressed and feel like my life means nothing and that no one should be my friend or care about me because of how I look.

I want to be thin.

I don’t need to be 100lbs (at least not yet) and I don’t even need to be 120lbs, but what I do need is to be 140lbs by the time summer comes around. For most of you I know you’re saying, “140lbs? that’s sooo much. Even when she reaches that weight she’ll be fat.” But the thing that you don’t know is I haven’t seen a scale say anything less than 195lbs in 4-5 years. That sucks! I want to be less than this and I think it is one of the most important things for me ever.

Recently, I have tried purging, binging, anorexia and I have failed at each of them – except the binging =). I literally have the worst willpower of any person you will ever meet. I can resolve to do something (which I do A LOT) and then the next day if I see a hamburger all my willpower is gone and I can’t resist.

So, I will break this down for all of you. About 3 weeks ago I tried restricting but with my sport (diving) it was too hard to survive morning dryland practices on 300cals so I justified cheating. =( Then last monday (the 1st) I started my new diet plan. To lose 80lbs in about 6months – 25 weeks basically. I rocked monday and tuesday and then failed wednesday, thursday, and friday. Now it’s saturday and I have resolved to start this diet again on monday. I love how food tastes and I need it so bad (NO I DON”T) but I need to learn that I can survive on less than 5zillion calories a day. So we’re going to make this work and survive these 6 months no matter how hard they are. I will post separately the rules for this diet and my rewards (Yay!!!).

Please, if you read, leave comments and suggestions.

Just some thinspo for anyone who needs it!

~~UPDATE~~

I know I said no starving while on this diet but I’m going to try to fast tomorrow and teach myself restraint before these long 6months. I might not make it. But I’m going to try and have faith in myself. As long as I don’t wind up in a restaurant, cafeteria, etc I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok.